Newest jokes

PUPPY LOVE A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening. The Father replied, ''Well, son, they're making a puppy.'' The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position. Confused, the boy asked what were they doing. The Dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionanle little boy, ''Well, son, we are making you a little brother. ''The little boy replied ,''Please turn Mom over, Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!''

''Winnie The ????'' It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got. ''My daddy got me a Bow-Wow,'' she said. The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........ ''My dad got me a dog,'' she said. She sat down and a boy got up and said, ''I got a choo-choo!'' The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said, ''I got an electric train!!'' That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says, ''I got a book'' The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks, ''What was the title of the book??'' The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said, ''Winnie The Shit!!''

Little Johnny was in class again.Teacher asked everyone ''Can anyone tell me a sentence with the word definitely in it?'' Meg puts up her hand.''The sky is definitely blue.'' ''Thats not bad,Meg,'' says the teacher, ''but the sky can be grey or red.'' Young Sally tried :''The grass is definitely green.'' ''Good try Sally,but grass can be yellow or brown too!'' Suddenly Little Johnny's hand shoots up.''Miss Brown does a fart have lumps?'' The teacher was horrified.''No of course not Johnny! What are you talking about?'' So Johnny says,''Well then Miss brown, I've definitely shit my pants!''

German Shepard on Golf Course A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt. Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their relationship had been purely platonic. They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem. Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German Shepherd ran up and threw a bucket of water on them.

Footless Parrot A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters ''I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?'' The parrot says ''With my prick, you dummy.'' The guy is startled and says ''You certainly talk well for a parrot.'' The parrot says ''Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.'' The guy says ''Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.'' The parrot says ''There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me.'' The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says ''Come in and shut the door.'' The guy says ''What's up?'' The parrot says ''I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.'' The guy says ''Oh, A momentary flight of passion.'' The parrot says ''Then he fondled her breasts.'' The guy says ''He did??!'' The parrot says ''Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.'' The guy says ''My God, what happened next???!!!'' The parrot says ''I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.''

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said ''I wish you could talk.'' The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. ''You can understand what I'm saying?'' asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.''Well, did you see this?''''Yes,'' motioned the monkey.''What happened?''The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.''They were drinking?'' asked the officer.''Yes.''''What else?''The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.''They were smoking marijuana?''''Yes.''''What else?''The monkey motioned ''Screwing.''''They were screwing, too?'' asked the astounded officer.''Yes.'' ''Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked.''''Yes.''''What were you doing during all this?''''Driving'' motioned the monkey.

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. ''What are they doing, Grandma?'' asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, ''The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.'' They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?'' said the little one. ''How do you mean?'' asked the Grandma. ''Offer someone a helping hand,'' said the little girl, ''and they fuck you everytime!''

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if

he can remove
a ''Curse'' he has been living with for the last 40
years.

The Wizard says ''maybe, but you will have to tell me
the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you.''

The old
man says without hesitation
''I now pronounce you man and wife''.

A concerned husband went to a
doctor to
talk about his wife. He says to the
doctor, ''Doctor, I think my wife
is deaf because she never hears me
the
first time and always
asks me to repeat things.'' ''Well,'' the doctor
replied, ''go home and
tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say
something to her. If she
doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say
it
again. Keep
doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of

her
deafness''.

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as
instructed. He
starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen
as she is
chopping
some vegetables and says, ''Honey, what's for
dinner?'' He hears no
response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and
asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet
closer. Still no reply. He
gets fed up and moves right behind her,
about
an inch away, and
asks again, ''Honey, what's for dinner?''

She replies, ''For the
fourth time, vegetable stew!''

A father came
home from a long business
trip to find his son
riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. ''Where
did you get the
money for the bike? It must have cost $300.''


''Easy, Dad,'' the boy replied. ''I earned it hiking.''

''Come on,''
the father said. ''Tell me the truth.''

''That is the truth,'' the
boy replied. ''Every night you were gone,
Mr. Reynolds from the
grocery store would come over to see
Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and
tell me to take a hike!''

The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for

over a month. He
took her to fancy restaurants and expensive
resorts. Finally, he
proposed, ''Bernie, if you will marry me, I have
enough money
to provide you with anything your little heart
desires.''

''Sorry John.'' she replied. ''I'm not ready to settle down
yet.
And besides, you can't buy my love, but if the price is right, I

might see my way clear to rent you some.''

A college business
professor could not help
but notice that one of his students was late to
class for the third
time that week. Before class ended he went around
the room asking
students some questions about the day's lecture. Of
course, he made
sure to pick on his tardy pupil.

''And who was it that developed
the theories behind communism?'' the
professor asked.

''I
don't know,'' the student said.

''Perhaps if you came to class on
time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,''
said the professor.

''That's
not true,'' the student replied. ''I never pay attention
anyway!''

A teacher was giving a lesson on the
circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: ''Now,
students, if I
stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run
into it, and I should
turn red in the face.''

''Yes, sir,'' the
boys said.

''Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?''


A little fellow shouted, '''It's because yer feet ain't empty.''

The children had all been photographed, and the

teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group

picture. ''Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are
all
grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or
'That's
Michael, he's a doctor.'''

A small voice from the
back of the room rang out, ''And there's the
teacher; she's still
old, nasty, and wrinkled''

I'm not going back to school ever again
Why
ever not?
The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask

questions!

A man leaves a bar,
gets into his car and
drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a
police officer.

Officer: ''Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken

driving. Would you please blow into this machine?''.
Man: ''I'm sorry,
I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that
machine I will
get out of air''.
Officer: ''Please come along to the office and we
can give you a blood
test''.
Man: ''I can't do that. I have anemia
and if you stick a needle in me
I will bleed to death''.

Officer: ''Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this
white
line''.
Man: ''Can't do that either''.
Officer: ''Why not?''. Man:
''Because I'm dead drunk''.

Why do Iraqi police officers walk in threes?

The first knows how to read, the second knows how to write and the

third is to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

Veronica was
practicing the piano when
suddenly there was a loud pounding on the
front door. She opened it and
found a breathless cop.

''What's the matter?!'' she asked.


''Where's the body?!'' demanded the officer.

''What are you
talking about?''

''We just got a tip that some guy named Mozart was
being murdered in
this house.''

Police Chief: Why
did you ticket the
computer?
Officer: It was speeding along the information highway.

Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.