Newest jokes

A blond at a party was telling her friend thatshe was off men for life. ''They lie, they cheatand they're just no good. From now on when I wantsex, I'm going to use my vibrator''''So, what when the batteries run out?'' asked her friend''I'll just fake an orgasm like always.''

Why don't Blondes make good cattle herders.Because they can never keep two calves together.

A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, 'Big breaths...' The girl replies, 'Yeth and I'm not even thixteen.'

Blondes dumb?!?!? After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with ablonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some foodto replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milkand right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still prettyhot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blondewalks in and says, ''Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those.''

This women had a magic morror from which

anything you wanted you got,so one day she stood in front of the mirror

and said I wish i had bigger breasts and it happened so then she ran

down stairs to show her husband he was so amazed that he ran up
stairs
and stood infront of the mirror and said i wish my dick could
touch the
floor and his legs fell off !

Q: IS IT SEXUAL HARASMENT IF YOU GO TO A WOMAN

AND TELL HER, HER HAIR SMELLS NICE?
A: WHAT IF THE MAN IS A
DWARF?

A young woman goes to her doctor
complaining
that the insides of her upper thighs have turned green.
The doctor
examined her and asked her if by any chance she went out
with a
Romany.
When she said yes the doctor said
''Well tell him his ear
rings aren't real gold!!!''

Did u know that a condom had a serial number?
No, I never
had to unroll one that far.

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are draggingtheir right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the otherknowingly, points at his foot and says, ''Vietnam, 1969.'' The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, ''Dog shit, 20 feetback.''

''What happened?'' asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.''Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I triedto read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view.''''And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?'' asked the visitor.''Yes.''''What did it say?''''Don't stand up in the car!''

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.He stays like that for half-an-hour.Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes thedrink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: ''Come on man, I wasjust joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to seea man crying.''''No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, Ioverslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous,fired me.When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. Thepolice, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paidthe cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left homeand came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end tomy life, you show up and drink my poison ...''

I overheard a friend
telling his pal, ''I
can't break my wife of the
habit of staying up until 5 in the
morning.''

''What is she doing?'', the pal asks.

''Waiting for me
to get home.''

While practicing
auto-rotations during a
military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes
up and lands
on its tail rotor.

The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail
boom. However, the
chopper fortunately remains upright on its
skids, sliding down the runway,
doing 360s.

As the Cobra slides
past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of
sparks, this radio
exchange takes place:

Tower: ''Sir, do you need any
assistance?''

Cobra: ''I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet.''

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was
on
his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped
out
taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to
attention,
made a perfect
salute, and snapped out, ''Sir, Good
Evening, Sir!''

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the
salute and said
''Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't
it?''

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to
disagree
with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, ''Sir,
Yes
Sir!''

The General continued, ''You know there's something
about a stormy
night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.
Don't you agree?''

The Private didn't agree, but then the
private was just a private, and
responded, ''Sir, Yes Sir!''

The
General, pointing at the dog, ''This is a Golden Retriever, the
best
type of dog to train.''

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted
yet again, and said, ''Sir, Yes
Sir!''

The General continued
''I got this dog for my wife.''

The Private simply said, ''Good
trade, Sir!''

One Sunday
morning, the priest noticed
Little Johnny was staring up at the large
plaque that hung in the
foyer of the church. It was covered with names,
and small American
flags were mounted on either side of it. The
seven-year old had been
staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest
walked up, stood
beside the boy, and said quietly, ''Good morning, Little
Johnny.''


''Good morning, Father,'' replied the young man, still focused on
the
plaque. ''Father Scott, what is this?'' Little Johnny asked.
''Well,
son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in
the
service.'' Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large
plaque. Little
Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked,
''Which service, the
9:45 or the 11:15?''

Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher. Teacher ''Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?'' Johnny ''I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday.'' Teacher, ''Was he burned very bad?'' Johnny, ''Yes Mam, they don't fuck around at these crematoriums you know.

Little Johnny says to his mother '' Mommy, I have to go and tinkle.'' The mother replies back '' Would you like Mommy to take you?''. Little Johnny says '' No let grandma . . . her hand shakes! ''

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that ''Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between boys and girls,'' and would his mother,''please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.'' So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,and closes the door. - first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse. So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - ok, now take off my skirt... And he takes off her skirt. - now take off my bra. Which he does. - and now, johnny, please take off my panties. And when johnny finishes removing those, she says, ''Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!''

One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks,''Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?'' ''Of course, Son, we're a family.'' So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. ''Hang on Dad!'', cries Billy, ''this is where me and the mailman usually falls off!''

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy ''My name is Johnny Fuckhauer''. So she said ''There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!''. The kid said ''No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!'' Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class ''Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?'' ''Hell no!'' replied a little kid from the front row, ''We don't even get a cookie break!''