Newest jokes

What do you call a black Eskimo dog ?
A dusky
husky !

What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off
of the
table ?
He gets splinters in his mouth !

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, ''Father,I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only knowhow to say one thing.'' ''What do they say?'' the priest inquired. ''They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have somefun?'' ''That's obscene!'' the priest exclaimed, ''I can see why youare embarrassed.'' He thought a minute and then said, ''You know,I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrotswhom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them inthe cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrotsto praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop sayingthat...that phrase in no time.'' ''Thank you,'' the womanresponded, ''this may very well be the solution.'' The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest'shouse. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots wereinside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed outin unison, ''Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have somefun?''There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot lookedover at the other male parrot and said, ''Put the beads away,Francis, our prayers have been answered!''

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is apoodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks ''why are you here?''The schnauzer responds, ''I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sickso he brought me here to be put to sleep.''The schnauzer asks the poodle ''why are you here?''The poodle responds, ''I've not been myself lately. I've been especially highstrung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and Ieven bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has beenhappening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he broughtme here to be put to sleep.''The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.The great Dane responds: ''My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterdayshe was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pickup something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took overand the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. Icouldn't help myself. ''The poodle asks: ''so she brought you here to put to sleep?''''Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed.''

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around hisneck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it'shis turn to be waited on.A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchaseand noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and askedthe dog what it wanted today.The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef,and the butcher said, ''How many pounds?'' The dog barked twice, so thebutcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said,''Anything else?'' The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butchersaid, ''How many?'' The dog barked four times, and the butcher made upa package of four pork chops.The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could getat the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money beforetying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow thedog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a housewhere it began to scratch the door to be let in.As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, ''That's areally smart dog you have there.''''He's not really all that smart,'' the owner replied.''This is the second time this week he forgot his key.''

A horse and a rabbit A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into amud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get thefarmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm butthe farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to themud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws theother end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the carforward saving him from sinking!A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadowagain and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to thehorse to go and get some help from the farmer.The horse said, ''I think I can stand over the hole!'' So he stretchedover the width of the hole and said, ''Grab for my dick and pullyourself up.'' And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need aMercedes!

Attorney to witness: ''What was the
first
thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?''

Witness: ''Where am I Cathy?''

Attorney: ''And why did that upset
you?''

Witness: ''Because my name is Susan.''

Why are Christmas trees like bad
knitters
?
They both drop their needles !

Why did a gambler scare everyone out

swimming?
He was a card shark!

Are shellfish warm?
No they're
clammy!

What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and
hates
neighbours ?
A hermit crab !

What kind of noise annoys an oyster ?

A noisy noise annoys an oyster ! (Try saying that fast!)

Q: What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts,

and can make a girl fat? A: Almond Joy candy bar

Q: What is it that
all men have one of;
it's longer on some men than on others; the Pope
doesn't use his; and
a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
A: surname

A black guy walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder...thebartender looks up and says '' where the hell did you get that thing?The Parrot replies '' Over in Africa, there's millions of them '' !!!!

Have you heard about the pig who took up disco
dancing?
He liked to swing his weight around.

Did you hear of the pig who began hiding garbage

In November?
She wanted to do her Christmas slopping early.

Did you hear the story
about the razorback
hog?
It's pretty dull.

Do pigs like Backgammon?
No, they prefer their
backs scratched.

Doctor, doctor, I've got a
little
sty.
Then you'd better buy a little pig.