Newest jokes

Did you hear about the blonde that stared at an orange juice can for20 minutes because it said concentrate?

Why do grasshoppers not go to
many football
matches?
They prefer cricket matches!

What stories are told by basketball

players?
Tall stories!

Who won the race between two balls of
string?
They we're tied!

Why are football players never asked for
dinner?
Because they're always dribbling!

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full. After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, ''How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?'' The man says, ''Two's fine.'' She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. ''And cream?'' she asks. The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, ''You wouldn't dare!''

A man walks into a jewellers shop, unzips his trousers and placeshis tool upon the counter. The lady serving says: ''I'm sorry Sir,this is a clock shop not a cock shop.'' ''Well, put two hands and a face on this.'' replies the man.

Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice RockyMountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.They ask the waiter who replies ''Oh Sister, those are nuts.'' She answers ''Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?''''No. The kind you rock on a crack.''

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were thencaptured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisonersthat they could live if they pass the trial. First step of thetrial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten piecesof the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways togather fruits.The first one came back and said to the king, ''I brought tenapples.'' The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shovethe fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'llbe eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he wincedout in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself thatthis should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on theninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,''Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?''The second one replied, ''I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doingjust great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with allthose watermelons!''

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into theliving room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to fix somedrinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on themantel.He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says,''What's this?''She says, ''Oh, my father's ashes are in there.''He turns beat red in horror and goes, ''Oh, well, er...I...''She says, ''Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.''

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting?A: He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough.

What did the redneck get on his I.Q. test?Drool.

A state trooper pulled a car over and
told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
''I
was only going 40!'' the driver protested.
''Not according to my
radar,'' the trooper said.
''Yes, I was!'' the man shouted back.
''No you
weren't!'' the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned
toward the window and said,
'Officer, I should warn you not to argue
with my husband when
he's been drinking.''

A Lutheran
minister is driving down
to New York to see the
radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut
for speeding. The
state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and
then he sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, ''Sir,
have you
been drinking?''

And the minister says, ''Just
water.''

The sheriff says, ''Then why do I smell wine?''

And the
minister looks down at the bottle and says, ''Good
Lord, He's done it
again!''

On some air bases the Air Force is on one

side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the
field,
with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower
received a call from an aircraft asking, ''What time
is
it?''

The tower responded, ''Who is calling?''

The aircraft replied,
''What difference does it make?''

The tower replied, ''It makes a lot
of difference. If it is an American
Airlines flight, it is 3
o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is
1500 hours. If it is a Navy
aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army
aircraft, the big hand is
on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If
it is a Marine Corps
aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.''

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and
Marines
bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same
language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase ''secure the
building''.

The Army will post guards around the place.

The Navy
will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines will kill
everybody inside and set up a headquarters.

The Air Force will
take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

Airman Jones was assigned
to the
induction center, where he advised new recruits about their
government
benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before
Captain
Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high

success-rate, selling
insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he
advised. Rather than ask
about this, the Captain stood in the back of the
room and listened to
Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained
the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and
then said:
''If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are
killed, the
government has
to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have
GI insurance,
and you go into battle and get killed, the government
only has to pay a
maximum of $6000.

Now,'' he concluded,
''which group do you think they are going to send
into battle first?''

The
cavalryman was galloping down the
road, rushing to catch up with his
regiment. Suddenly his horse
stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in
the dirt with a broken
leg, terrified of the approaching
enemy, the soldier called out: ''All
you saints in heaven, help me get
up on my horse!''

Then,
with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell
off
the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the
heavens:

''All right, just half of you this time!''

A drill
sergeant had just chewed out one
of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he
turned to the cadet
and said, ''I guess when I die you'll come and
dance on my grave.''


The cadet replied, ''Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself
that
when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!''

There were 11 people
hanging on to a single
rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying
to bring them to
safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one
person would have to let go because if they
didn't, the rope would
break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it
should be. Finally the woman gave a really
touching speech, saying how
she would give up her life to save the
others, because women were
used to giving things up for their husbands and
children and giving
in to men.

All of the men started clapping.