Newest jokes

A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades -- he had sucessfully cloned a human being.He kept meticulous records, raising the clone-child in his laboratory until it was an adult. Then he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top scientists, held in the luxurious facilities of a high-rise hotel.When the time for his presentation came, the scientist stepped to the podium. He presented his data -- his pictures, his charts, his graphs -- to an amazed audience. But suddenly, instead of waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone stood up where he'd been sitting, and started shouting at the scientists assembled there.This clone was an imaginative clone. He used language that would make a sailor blush, accusing his creator and all of his colleagues of the most amazing feats of perversion and vice.Trying to regain control, the scientist ushered the clone out of the room and up to the roof of the hotel, where he hoped the clone's shouts would go unheard.The clone would not listen to reason. He attacked the scientist's parentage, his sister, his mother....Finally, the scientist snapped. He could bear it no longer. He rushed forward and with a mighty shove, pushed his creation off the roof of the hotel.The police arrived promptly and arrested the scientist for making an obscene clone fall.

In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver sawa woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, andcouldn't bear passing her by. He completed the job for her,and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, ''There, littlelady, that's done!'' ''Quiet,'' she ordered him. ''You'll wakeup my husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat.''

The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one dayand started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around hisears when the customer yelled, ''Don't put that crap on me!My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!''Another customer who was waiting replied, ''Hey John, youcan put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has neverbeen in a French Whorehouse!'' Then the fun began...

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband,John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend,Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.She yelled at Ralph: ''Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump outthe window my husband is home early!'' Ralph looked out thewindow and said: ''I can't jump out the window! It's raininglike hell out there!'' Mary cried: ''If my husband catches usin here, he will kill both of us!'' So the boyfriend grabbedhis clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outsidehe found himself in the middle of a marathon race... so hestarted running along side the others -- only he was still inthe nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, ''Do you always run in the nude?'' Ralph answered, while gasping for air: ''Oh yes, It feels sofree having the air blow over your skin while you are running.'' The other runner then asked the nude man: ''Do you always runcarrying your clothes on your arm?'' Ralph answered breathlessly: ''Oh yes, that way I can get dressedat the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'' The runner then asked: ''Do you always wear a condom when you run?'' Ralph answered, ''Only if it's raining.''

A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassinga young girl as she walked by the construction site.She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking.Annoyed the worker yelled ''Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!''The girl turned around and replied ''It must be terrible wheneven an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?''

Where do footballers dance?
At a football!

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people
that he
played semi-pro baseball.

''I was the James Bond type
of player,'' he told his friends. ''I had
all sorts of tricks to
confuse the opposition.''

''Batted .007,'' his wife added.

A true story, according to the LA
Times.....

Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, ''Is

your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?''

Wilkins replied,
''I don't know and I don't care!''

Wife: ''Why don't you ever callout my name when

we're making love?'' ! Husband: ''Because I don't want to wake

you.''

Women need a reason to have
sex. Men just
need a place.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no

sex life at all.

What is a
dolphin's favorite TV
show ?
Whale of fortune !

Yo Mamas teeth are so yellow
I can't
believe it's not butter.

Yo Mamas so stupid she got lost
in a
telephone booth.

YO MAMAS SO POOR I SEE HER KICKING A CAN DOWN

THE ROAD, I SAID ''WHAT YAR DOING '' SHE SAID ''MOVING'' !!!

Why did the footballer hold his
boot to his
ear?
Because he liked sole music!

What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who
is
appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following
advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is
directly
proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast
decreases one's
exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused
by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk
drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in
New York on a dark
night. The passenger taps the driver on the
shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of
the car, nearly hits a bus, drives
up on the sidewalk, and stops
inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in
the cab, then the driver said,
''Look friend, don't EVER do that
again. You scared the daylights out of
me!''

The passenger
apologizes and says he didn't realize that a ''little
tap'' could scare
him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together
replied, ''Sorry, it's
not really your fault.

Today is my first
day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for
the last 25
years!

What do hookers do on their night off:

type?