Newest jokes

How to Catch a White Elephant ============================= Submitted By Niels Kristian JensenGo to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you amuffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close,drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant willbe happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants likemuffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin(with rasins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffinwithout rasins. Drop the muffin as usual. When the white elephant findsout that the muffin lacks raisins, it will darken in anger.And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.

Q: How do Catholics separate the men from the boys?A: With a crowbar.

An Australian joke...St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day when a pair of Abo's stroll up.''Your names aren't on today's list... let me go and ask the Boss'' he says.In God's office he tells the Big Man all about the two Abo's, and Godtells Peter to go and tell them to fuck right off.St Peter takes his leave. 5 minutes later St Peter runs back into the room and says ''they're gone''God says ''the Abo's? Good''. and St Peter replies... ''NO THE PEARLY GATES!!!''.

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider. ''Why do you want cider?'' asked Mom. ''To take the pain away,'' sobbed the little girl. Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink. ''It doesn't work!'' she yelled. ''What do you mean?'' asked Mom. ''Well,'' sniffed the little girl, ''I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider.''

What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words? Which one's Mommy?

Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. Sothey plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-oldsays he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when theirmother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, ''Ah, Hell, I'll havesome Fruit Loops.''Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on hischair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-oldand says, ''What are you going to have?'' He replies, ''I don't know, butyou can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops.''

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, ''And what would you like for Christmas?''The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: ''Didn't you get my E-mail?''

It was a
particularly tough football game,
and nerves were on edge. The home team had
been the victim of three
or four close calls, and they were now
trailing the visitors by a
touch-down and a field goal. When the official
called yet another
close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback
blew his
top.

How many times can you do this to us in a single game?'' he
screamed.
''You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that
last first
down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first
quarter.''

The official just stared.

The quarterback
seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get
him tossed from the
game. ''What it comes down to,'' he bellowed, ''is
that you STINK!''


The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked
up
the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned
to face
the steaming quarterback.

The official finally
replied, ''And how do I smell from here?''

Two
college basketball players were taking an important
final exam. If they
failed, they would be on academic probation and
not allowed to play in
the big game the following week. The exam was
fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, ''Old MacDonald had a
________.''

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But
he knew he needed
to get this one right to be sure he
passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the

shoulder. ''Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last
question?''

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't

noticed then he turned to Bubba. ''Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone
knows
Old MacDonald had a FARM.''

''Oh yeah,'' said Bubba. ''I
remember now.''

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write
the answer in the
blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's should
er again, he whispered, ''Tiny,
how do you spell farm?''

''You
are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled

E-I-E-I-O.''

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy
seat at Lambeau.
Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat
on the 50-yard
line. Thinking to himself ''what a waste'' he made his
way down to the
empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he
asked the man sitting next to it, ''Is
this seat taken?'' The man
replied, ''This was my wife's seat. She
passed away. She was a big
Packers fan.'' The other man replied,''I'm so
sorry to hear of your
loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket
to a friend or a
relative?''

The man replied, ''They're all at the funeral.''

You Might be a
Marine Wife if:
1. Your
mail goes to four addresses in two countries before it reaches
you.

2. You earned an Accounting degree by deciphering your husband's
LES
and running a family on what was ACTUALLY deposited.
3.
''Savings'' sounds like a great idea and you hope to someday have
some.

4. Sex - see #3.
5. You can simultaneously be a control freak,
change plans on a
moment's notice, yet you are not being treated
for schizophrenia.
6. You know the Tricare regulations/procedures
better than their
service reps.
7. You know what forms you need
better than your husband's Admin
clerk.
8. You are strangely
attracted (or repulsed) by the color green.
9. You can calculate the
cost of a 5-minute phone call from any
country, any time, on up to
four different calling plans.
10. At a distance, you can pick out
your husband from 100 other men
with identical haircuts and clo
thes.
11. The face paint in your closet is NOT for your children.

12. Name tapes are not just for kids.

As the family gathered for a big dinner
together, the
youngest son had an announcement to make: He'd just signed
up at
an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the

table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief

that he could handle this new situation.

''Oh, come on, quit
pulling our legs,'' snickered one: ''You didn't
really do that, did
you?''

''I'm positive you'd never get through basic training''
scoffed
another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help;
but she was just gazing
at him. When she finally spoke, it was to
voice a single question: ''Do
you really plan to make your own bed
every morning?''

At a lesson in topography a
soldier was
asked: ''What is farther away, Harrison, the moon or that
object on
this map?''
''That object, naturally.''
''What makes you think
that?''
'' 'Cause we can see the moon any clear night, and we can't see
that
object even at day time.''

An airforce officer
goes to heaven and at
the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done
anything in his life
that he believes makes him worthy of attmittance to
heaven. The
officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four
of my
pilot friends and saw two seabees harrassing a young girl at the
bar,
so being a gentelman I went up to the biggest one and told him to

leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more

forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this seabee
to
stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and
asked
when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5
minutes
ago! My friends should be here shortly!

SIX PHASES OF THE MONTH IN NAVY RECRUITING

1. ENTHUSIASM

2. DISILUSIONMENT

3. PANIC

4.
SEARCH FOR THE GUILTY

5. PUNISHMENT OF THE INNOCENT

6.
PRAISE AND HONORS FOR THE NON-PARTICIPANTS

Why is it called a ''litter'' of
puppies
?
Because they mess up the whole house !

How do you stop a dog smelling ?
Put a peg on
it's nose !

When does a dog go ''moo'' ?
When it is learning
a new language !

What kind of dog chases anything
red ?
A
bull dog !

Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over tointerview the boy. ''A brave New Yorker saves friend from vicious animal'', he starts writing in his notebook.''But I'm not from New York'' the boy replies.''I'm visiting from Kentucky!''The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,''Redneck bastard kills family pet''.