Newest jokes

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, ''This is a goodopportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny.''He walks up to Little Johnny and says, ''I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?''Little Johnny replies, ''A loaf of bread Father.''

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotchman sitting on a beach notice a mermaid sitting on a rock. The Englishman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been kissed?' No says the Mermaid. He kisses her and she likes it. after a while the Scotchman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been fondled?'. She says no and he fondles her, much to her delight. After onother while the irishman approaces her and asks 'Have you ever been fucked?. she says no. 'Well you are fucked now because the tide's gone out.

Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia.His mate asked him what it was like.''Australia's a great place!'' Paddy replied. ''First they take you homeand fill you so full of piss you can't stand up. Then, to top it off, theylet you fuck their women whenever you want.''''Is that right?'' said his mate very impressed. ''I always heard Australianswere real pricks.''''Well,'' said Paddy, ''Only the white ones!''

This black guy is walking along a beach when he looks down a sees an antique lamp. Thinking that he'll get enough money for another vial of crack, he takes the bottle home and starts to clean it. He starts rubbing the lamp, when all of a sudden a Jewish genie appears, and being a Jewish genie, he say's to the nigger that he have two wishes. The black guy thinks for a couple of seconds, and quickly says:, ''I want to be white and surrounded by cunt.''In an instant he is turned into a tampon.Now the morale of this story is:Don't ever expect anything from a Jew without strings attached.

A girl sat sobbing in the police station. ''I was raped by an Italian.''She wailed.''How do you know it was an Italian? The detective asked.''I had to help him,'' the girl replied.

Q: What happened to the Irishman who tried to kill himself by?.swallowing 100 pain killers?A: After two he began to feel better.

Woman: Officer you must help. I've just

lost my wig.
Police officer: Certainly, ma'am, we'll comb the
area.

You know
the worst thing about oral sex? The
view.

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to thehospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. Hethen sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, andlow and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.''So'' the wife says, ''what do you think he'll become after he finishesschool? A GP or a surgeon?'' ''Well,'' says the man, rubbing his nose, ''by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law.''

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One dayhe has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust.He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar ofVaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must beleft out in the rain.A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. Sheasks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readilyagrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up onhis Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in shetells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks firstafter dinner must do the dishes.After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the firstperson to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteenminutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more directapproach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is gettingdesperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table.They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls outthe Vaseline. And the father says, ''Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.''

A
pig's favorite movie:
The Monster That
Ate New York.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
...A
piiig

Why did the pig go to the casino ?
To play the
slop machine !

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost the
combination!

Why do teachers
use a bamboo
cane?
Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!

Sandy began a
job as an elementary school counselor and
she was eager to help. One
day during recess she noticed a girl
standing by herself on one side of a
playing field while the rest of
the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at
the other.

Sandy
approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.


A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the
same
spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy
offered, ''Would you like me to be your
friend?''

The girl
hesitated, then said, ''Okay,'' looking at the woman
suspiciously.


Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, ''Why are you

standing here all alone?''

''Because,'' the little girl said with great
exasperation, ''I'm the
goalie!''

St. Peter and Satan
were having an argument
one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game
to be played on
neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly
host and his own
hand-picked boys.

''Very well,'' said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
''But you realize, I
hope, that we've got all the good players and
the best coaches.''

''I know, and that's all right,'' Satan answered
unperturbed. ''We've
got all the umpires.''

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, ''What the hell is that all about?''The farmer says, ''We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other.''

Top 15 Household Pet Dishes15> Angelfish Cake14> Hamster and Cheese on Rye13> Chow Chow Mein12> Bran Muffy11> Eggs BenjiDict10> Yorkieshire pudding 9> Shih-Tzu Kabobs 8> Potbelly Pig in a Blanket 7> Shrimp Cockatiel 6> Fettucine AlFido 5> Chicken Poodle Soup 4> Turtlellini 3> Lhasa Thermidor 2> Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas 1> I'll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ]

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best bookon elephants.The British submited a dry historical account ''The Elephant and the British Empire.''The French submited a text ''The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account.''The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled ''An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear.''The Americans submited an article from ''Money'' magazine: ''Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s''Green-Peace submited a counter-entry ''Elephants -- they're better than People''The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled ''The superiority of the Soviet Elephant''And submited a poem ''The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant.''But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier ''We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead''