Newest jokes

A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel.He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had. The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $50, but she wasfar too expensive. The pimp then showed him a brunette for $10, but she wasalso too expensive. Finally the pimp showed him a whore for $1, who happenedto have her legs open ready. The man agreed, but the pimp said he must wear a black condom. So the man wore the condom and bonked his heart out and hadthe time of his life. He enjoyed it so much he went back thenext day for the same $1 whore, and again had to wear a blackcondom.Again the prostitute had her legs open ready. When he went the day after, he asked the pimp why he must weara black condom? The pimp told him ''To show respect for the dead.''

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.''Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?'' Arnold asked.''Not very likely,'' his wife said.''It's worth a try,'' Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, ''Just a minute. I'll have to look for these.'' He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.Two minutes later, the man called out, ''Here they are!''''No kidding?'' Arnold called back. ''That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time.''The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. ''They'll be ready Thursday,'' he said calmly.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to thefront door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?,'' hesays. ''That's cool'' says Bobby.Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobbyreplies politely that they will probably just go to the sodashop or a movie.Carrie's father responds ''why don't you two go out and screw?I hear all the kids are doing it.'' Naturally, this comes as aquite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.''Yeah,'' says Carries father, ''Carrie really likes to screw;she'll screw all night if we let her!''Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan forthe evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minuteslater, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt andannounces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless withanticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house,slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:''Dammit Daddy! It's called the twist!''

A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment.''Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spendsthree hours every night in your apartment?''Mrs Smith replied. ''Its a platonic friendship. Its play for him and atonic for me.''

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football

game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

''I
liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each
other
for 25 cents,'' she said.

''What do you mean?'' he
asked.

''Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'''

Coming
home from his Little League game,
Billy swung open the front door very
excited. Unable to attend the
game, his father immediately wanted to know
what happened. ''So, how
did you do son?'' he asked.

''You'll never believe it!'' Billy said.
''I was responsible for the
winning run!''

''Really? How'd you
do that?''

''I dropped the ball.''

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when

there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to

them. In the distance a voice shouts out ''Charlton are good enough
to
win the European Cup.'' Snow White says ''Well at least Dopey's

alive!''

Yo mama
so fat when God said, ''Let there
be light'' he he to ask her to move
out of the way.

yo mommas so poor the roaches pay the light

bill!

YOUR MOMS HOUSE IS SO POOR I WENT TO KNOCK ON
HER DOOR AND A
ROACH TRIPPED ME AND A RAT TOOK MY WALET

Q: Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years?A: Somebody dropped a shekel.

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?A: A fur coat.

How do a jewish couple have oral sex?... ''SET AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE BED AND YELL SCREW YOU TO ONE AND OTHER''Sent by Ivan

One day there was an indian chief who was constipated. he sent one of hiswarriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says ''BigChief, no shit''. the doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the chiefshould be fine tomorrow.The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. the next morningthe warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says ''big chief, no shit''. the doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the chief.The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's house yet againsaying ''big chief, no shit''. the doctor gets annoyed and so gives thewarrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief.The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor (AGAIN):''Big shit, no chief''.

Two Polish guys went away on their annual hunting expedition, andby accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion gothim out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearesthospital.''Well, Doc,'' he inquired anxiously, ''is he going to make it?'' ''It's tough,'' said the doctor. ''He'd have a better chance if youhadn't gutted him first.''

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, ''What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!''''Not much,'' the boy's uncle replied. ''I just showed him how tomasturbate.''

The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells her he has worked out his act. Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause...Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says...''Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my unlce's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'''

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, ''Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?''''Yes, dear,'' replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. ''But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?''

10 year old Timmy comes home from daycare and tells his mom that he thinkshis babysitter is gay.''Whatever makes you think THAT?!!?'' says mom.Timmy replies, ''Because his dick tasted like shit!''

What does a bee get at McDonalds ?
A
humburger !