Newest jokes

What do you call a gay Jewish person? A He-Blew!

Q.-Why'd the chicken cross the road? A.- He was attached to Dennis Rodman's head!

RECOUNT DEMANDED BY METSNEW YORK (AP) --The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of Game 5 of the World Series. The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union. ''We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers,'' said the Mets batting coach. ''We were confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we have been denied our right to hit.''One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches. Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in inter-league play earlier in the year.''The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us of our right to hit,'' said the Mets batting coach.''The World Series is not over yet and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely. ''Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game. ''While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World Series,'' the commissioner said. Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on-base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores of the games.''It's clear that we were on-base slightly more often than the Yankees,'' said a Mets spokesman. ''The World Series crown is rightly ours. ''The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes ''we need to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment.''

Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for

a cat ?
Cats can't drive !

What dog wears contact lenses ?
A cock-eyed
spaniel !

What is a dogs favourite flower ?
Anything in
your garden !

What's a dog favourite hobby ?
Collecting
fleas !

How many seasons are there in a dogs life
?
Just one, the moulting season !

Q: Why do New Zealanders have sex with sheep on the edge of mountains?A: So they push back harder.

Q: Where do you find 60 million french jokes?A: In France.

There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically trying to climb up.While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says, ''God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless you both,'' and then kept on walking.One bloke looks at the other, ''Who the fuck was that?'' ''Oh,'' said the other bloke, ''that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible.''The other bloke looked around and quickly says, ''Well he knows fuck all about shark fishing.''

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.''Please, God,'' he implored, ''let it be blood!''

How can you tell if you are looking at a police
glow-worm?
He has a flashing light.

''I'll have to report you, sir,'' said the
traffic cop
to the speeding driver. ''You were doing 85 miles an hour.''
''Nonsense,
officer,'' declared the driver. ''I've only been in the
car for ten
minutes.''

What nickname did the police give to the new
blonde woman
police officer?
A fair cop.

What nickname did the police give to the new

blonde woman police officer?
A fair cop.

My
wife and I were watching some TV show
the other nite where the wife
hired a private detective to follow
her husband and see if he were in
fact ''cheating'' on her. I asked my
wife if she would ever do that.

She said, ''Well not so much to
find out who the other woman was, but
to see if I could find out what
she saw in ya.''

The newlyweds
arrived at the front desk
of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South
Carolina,
looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy
their two week
vacation/honeymoon.

The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, ''Well,
hi
Jimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see.''

A frosty
silence prevailed until the couple reached their room. Once
inside, the
piqued bride demanded: ''And just who was THAT woman
?!?!?''

The
groom wiped his brow and said, ''Just relax honey. Please !
I'm
going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her.''

A man comes home early from work
and
finds his wife and his best
friend in bed. The man throws up his hands
in disbelief and says, ''My
God Pete !!! I more-or-less 'have to',
but YOU ???''

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, ''When you feel like you are getting readyto ejaculate, try startling yourself.'' That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the twobegan, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later,felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, ''How did it go?'' The man answered, ''Not that well... when I fired thepistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!''