Newest jokes

Police officer: And what do you think you

are doing on this road, Dracula?
Dracula: Looking for the main
artery, officer.

What did the police
officer say to his
stomach?
I've got you under a vest.

The police are looking for a
thief with one
eye
Why don't they use two?

Policeman: Now, sir, how did you come to have
this accident?
Motorist: Well, the sign just there says, `Stop ? Look
? Listen'. And
while I was doing that the train hit me.

''Now as I understand it, Sir,'' said the

police officer to the motorist, ''you were driving this vehicle when the

accident occurred. Can you tell me what happened?''
''I'm afraid
not, officer,'' replied the motorist. ''I had my eyes
shut!''

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.''Don't be angry,'' the Mother says, ''Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts.''A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...''Now she knows.''

Weill and Mahoney had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill and Mahoney blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms. Five years later, Weill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Weill looked up and gasped.''Mahoney!'' he said, shaking his head. ''It's a terrible thing, seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this.''''Yeah,'' Mahoney said, curling his lip. ''But I don't eat here.''

A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy.Her husband isn't there, and she doesn't wantto name them without him seeing them first. Butthe hospital insists that the babies must benamed by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louieoverhears this and he names them (unbeknowst tothe couple). Later the husband arrives, and thehappy couple are set to name the babies when anurse informs them that Uncle Louie already tookcare of that. ''Oh no!'' they cry. ''He's crazy anddoesn't know what he's doing. What names did hepick?'' The nurse says, ''Well, he named the girlDeniece.'' ''Whew, not bad. In fact, that's nice.And how about the boy?'' ''Denephew.''

The Director of the Scottish Tartans Museum, Dr Michael MacDonaldwas in America. An old lady fixed her gaze on his 17th Centurysporran and asked, ''What, exactly, do you keep in your scrotum?''

One day Pete was complaining to his friend ''my elbow hurts. I bettersee a doctor''. His friend said ''Don't do that. There's a computer inthe drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaperthan visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine andit will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. Itonly costs $10.00.'' Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urinesample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured inthe sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weirdnose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a smallslip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water,avoid heavy labor,it will be better in two weeks.Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Petebegan to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples fromhis wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction.He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine anddeposited $10.00. The machinhe again made the usual noise and printed outthe following analysis: Your water is hard,get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine,get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant,it's not yours,get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!

Q: Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: Why do Southern guys go to family reunions?A: To meet chicks.

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?A: Mace.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Can bees fly in
the rain ?
Not without
their little yellow jackets !

What buzzes, is black and
yellow and goes
along the bottom of the sea ?
A bee in a submarine !

Why do bees hum ?
Because they've forgotten
the words !

Once upon a time there were two men who had gone cliff climbing. Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom. The other man frantically screamed, ''Roger!'', and was relieved to hear a faint reply.''Okay Rodge,'' shouted Barry, ''I'm gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it 'round one of your legs and..'' but before he could finish, he heard Roger call ''But both my legs are broke.''Barry suggested his arms, to which the reply was ''They're broken too!'' So finally, Roger held on with his mouth. Barry struggled to pull up the rope, and when he was nearly there, Barry said, ''You right there mate?'' to which Rodger replied,''YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS........''

How did Stevie Wonder pierce his ears? He answered the stapler (hello? *OUCH*)

Q: What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? A: Shut the door, I'm dressing!