Newest jokes

Q: What are the
small bumps around a woman s
nipples for?
A: It's Braille for 'Suck here.'

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all his friends take their turns.The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the barender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, ''You don't want the usual?''She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head. ''No. Coors makes my pussy sore!''

Q: What nationality are you if you're going to the bathroom? A: EuropeanQ: And what nationality are you if someone's knocking on the door while you're going? A: You're a Russian.

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy: ''I've got another dress for you to clean.''Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, ''Come again?''''No,'' says Monica. ''Mustard!''

Why is Chicago called the Windy City?Because the Bears blow!

I love the lines men use to get us into bed.
''Please,
I'll only put it in for a minute.'' What am I, a
microwave?

Q: Whats the difference between
purple and
pink?
A: The grip.

Yo Mama so fat, she rolled out
of bed and

everybody thought there was an earthquake.

YO MAMA SO STUPID WHEN
THEY SAID THAT IT
IS CHILLY OUTSIDE,SHE WENT OUTSIDE WITH A BOWL AND A
SPOON.

your mamas feet are so scaly you can see
crocodile dundy in her
foot bath.

your momma so stupid she got locked in a

groceiry store and starved.

An off-duty
police officer, familiar with
radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed
limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of
his
license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove
by again;
even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a
third
time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

''This guy must
have screwed up the settings,'' the off-duty
officer
thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail,
he
discovered three traffic tickets:

Each for not wearing a seat
belt!

A local policeman had just finished his shift
one
cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
You
just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on

the force I've never seen anything like it.
Oh yes dear, what
happened ?
I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was
drinking
battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
Drinking
battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?
Oh
that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for
traveling
faster than
the posted speed limit. Since he's in a
good mood that day he decides
to give the poor fellow a break and
write him out a warning instead of
a
ticket. So, he asks the man
his name.
''Fred,'' he replies. Fred what?'' the officer asks. ''Just
Fred,'' the
man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last
name, the man tells him that
he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a
nut
case on his hands but plays along
with it.
''Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?''
The man
replies, ''It's a long story so stay with me. I was born
Fred
Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the

time.
So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I
got
older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college,
medical school, internship, residency, finally got my
degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored
being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my
dream. Got all the way through school, got
my degree so I was now
Fred Dingaling MD DDS. I got bored doing
dentistry so I started fooling
around with my assistant. She gave me
VD.
So, I was Fred
Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out
about the VD so they took
away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD
with VD. Then the AMA found
out about the ADA taking away my DDS
because of the VD, so they took
away my MD leaving me as
Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took
away my dingaling so now
I'm just Fred.''

Two Rangers stopped a guy for speeding on the

state highway in
Waxahachie, Texas. As they were writing up the
ticket, one Ranger
turned to the other and said, ''How do you spell
Waxahachie?''

The other one replied, ''I don't know.''

So
the first one said, ''Well what are we gong to do? If we spell it

wrong it will get dismissed.''

The second Ranger said, ''Why don't
we just let him go and stop him
again when he gets to Waco?''

A defense attorney was cross-examining
a
police officer during
a felony trial - it went like this:

Q.
Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I
subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender
running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this
description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A
fellow officer provided the description of this so-
called offender. Do
you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q.
With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you
have a
locker room in the police station - a room where you
change your clothes
in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q.
And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And
do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is
it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life
, that you find it necessary to lock your locker
in a room you
share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the
building with a court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to
walk through that
room.

Ole
and Lena were sitting down to
their usual morning cup of coffee,
listening to the weather report
coming over the radio.

''There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today,
and a snow emergency has
been declared,'' the weather report said.
''You must park your cars on
the odd numbered side of the
streets.''

Ole says ''Jeez, okay,'' and gets up from his coffee.

The
next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of coffee
and
the weather forecast declares ''There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow

today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars

on the even numbered side of the streets.''

Again, Ole says
''Jeez, okay,'' and gets up from his coffee.

Two days later, again
they're sitting down with their cups of coffee
and the weather
forecast says, ''There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow
today, and a snow
emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on
the -
''

Just then the power goes out and Ole doesn't get the rest of
the
instructions.

He turns to Lena and says ''Jeez, what am I
going to do now, Lena?''

Lena replies ''Aw, Ole, why don't you
just leave the car in the garage
today?''

What are you going to be when you get out of
school?
An old man!

What do history teachers make when they want to
get
together?
Dates!

My teacher reminds me of
history
She's
always repeating herself!