Newest jokes

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one

Caller: Hi, is
this the police?

Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police
assistance?

Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell
me how to
cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Father: What did the
teacher think of your
idea?
Son: She took it like a lamb
Teacher: Really?, what did she
say?
Son: Baa!

Teacher: What came after the stone age and the

bronze age?
Pupil: The sausage!

Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I
gave
you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
A: Coz no man
would pull those faces on purpose.

Q: Whats the difference between erotic and
kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the
whole
chicken.

Q: Whats
the difference between a 90s woman
and a - computer?
A: A 90s woman won't accept a
three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to Taco

Bell, they run for the border !!

What kind of bees hum and drop
things
?
A fumble bee !

''Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model,'' the editor from themen's magazine explained. ''It's too obvious that your blonde hairisn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black.'' The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor'sfingers. ''What the hell did you do that for!'' he exploded. She smiled sweetlyand said, ''Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? Andthey've only been banged once.''

The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning and wasaproached by his assistant.''Anything interesting happen over-night'', asked the mortitian.''Yes'', replied the assistant, ''The most gorgeous 18 year-oldblond came in last night. Dead of course''''What was the cause of death'', enquired the mortition.''I'm not sure'',replied the assistant. ''But she's got a Prawnstuck up her cunt!''''Are you sure?'', said the Mortitian.''Yes, come and have a look for yourself'' ,said the assistantopening the body bag.The mortitian closely examined the beautifuly trimmed snatch.''That's not a prawn you stupid wanker'', he responded, ''That'sher clitoris''''Are you sure?'', said the assisitant,'''Cuz it certainly tasted like a prawn''.

One day a lady went to the doctor's office and told the doctorthat her husband wasn't interested in her any more he justwouldn't have sex with her anymore.So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of100 pills. He told her that ''if you give your husband one ofthese pills then he would have sex with you.'' So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in hisdinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next dayshe thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she puttwo in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day.She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in hisdinner and he ate it.Three weeks later a little kid was outside screaming and a guywalked up to him and asked him what was wrong. The little kidsaid, ''My mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my asshole hurtsand my dad is in there on the floor saying, 'here kitty kittykitty...'''

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As hesat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. Anearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a cleanspoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed, andasked, ''Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?''The waiter replied, ''Yes. We had an efficiency expert here thatdetermined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table.By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.''The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented,''Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a stringhanging from your fly?'' The waiter replied, ''Yes, we all do. Thatsame efficiency expert determined that we spend 21.4% of our timewashing our hands after using the men's room. The other end of thatstring is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull thestring to get my tool out of my pants, go, and then return to work.Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands.Saves a lot of time.''''Wait a minute,'' said the diner, ''how do you get your penis backin your pants?'' ''Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I usethe spoon.''

It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said, ''Adam, come over here and sit down!''. And Adam did so.''Adam,'' spoke the Creator, ''I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely.'' Adam said nothing in response. ''So,'' continued the Lord, ''I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!'' Adam just looked puzzled but interested. ''This person,'' said the Lord, ''will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes.'' Adam looked grateful. ''This person, ''said the Lord, ''will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks.'' Adam looked thoughtful. ''This person, ''emphasized the Lord,''will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!'' Adam really looked relieved. ''And, lastly,'' said the Lord, ''She will obey your every whim and desire and order with cheerfulness.'' Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.''O.K., Lord, but what is this going to cost me?'' ''An arm and a leg,'' said the Almighty.''Well,'' Adam then said, ''What can I get for a rib?''

All about smoking:Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It's only fair. Since smokers aren't around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while they're here.I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts -- especially when you try to light your nicotine gum.Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so paramedics don’t have to cut it off of you.The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewn right into the lining, and there’s a backpack that can hold a portable respirator.I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. My wife is furious.

Question: What's the biggest pencil in the World?Answer: Pennsylvania!

Teacher: Did your parents help you
with
these homework problems?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself!

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up

in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.

Q: Why do women have tits?
A: So men will
talk to them.

Q: What does a 75-year-old woman
have
between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn't?
A: Her navel.