Newest jokes

A policeman stops a car and suggests an

apparently drunken fellow to take a breath test. He blows, the thing
shows:
positive. He protests, cries he is a teetotaler and that the
instrument
isn't working properly. He says his wife is also a
teetotaler. She
blows- again positive. Then he gives it to their little kid
on the
backseat- also positive! The ashamed policeman lets them go.
They take off and
the man says to his wife:
- And you kept
telling me: don't give the kid any alcohol, don't give
the kid any
alcohol!!

A seargent is
interviewing three cadets who
were training to become detectives. To test
their skills in
recognizing a suspect, he shows the first cadet a picture
for 5 seconds
and then hides it.

''This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?'' The first cadet
answers, ''That's easy, we'll catch him fast
because he only has one
eye!'' The seargent says,
''Well...uh...that's because the picture I
showed is his side profile.''


Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture

for 5 seconds at the second cadet and asks him, ''This is your suspect,

how would you recognize him?''

The second cadet smiles, and
says, ''Ha! He'd be too easy to catch
because he only has one ear!''


The policeman angrily responds, ''What's the matter with you
two? Of
course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a
picture of
his side profile! Is that the best answer you can
come up with?!''

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows
the picture to the third
cadet and in a very testy voice asks, ''This
is your suspect, how would
you recognize him?'' He quickly adds,
''Think hard before giving me a
stupid answer.''

The cadet looks
at the picture intently for a moment and says, ''The
suspect wears
contact lenses.''

The seargent is surprised and speechless
because he really doesn't
know himself if the suspect wears contacts or
not.

''Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few
minutes
while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that.''
He leaves the
room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's
file in his computer,
and comes back with a beaming smile on his
face. ''Wow! I can't
believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact
wear contact lenses. Good
work! How were you able to make such an
astute observation?''

''That's easy,'' the cadet replied. ''He
can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one
ear.''

What did the bee say to the flower ?
Hello
honey !

I've never been much on fashion, but got

quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day.
My
secretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a
surprise
from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there
it
was, on the back of a kitchen chair.

Mrs.
Culpepper was almost in tears. ''Oh
Marie,'' she said to her maid, ''I
have reason to suspect that my
husband is
having an affair with his secretary.''

''I don't
believe it for one minute !'' Marie snapped.''You're just
saying that to
make me jealous !!!''

The sailor came home from a secret two year

mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was

determined
to track down the father to extract
revenge.

''Was it my friend Sam'', he demanded.

''No !'' his weeping wife
replied.

''Was it my friend Jim then?'' he asked.

''NO !!!'' she
said even more upset.

''Well which one of my no good friends did
this then?'' he asked.

''Don't you think I have any friends of my
own?'' she snapped.

If your wife comes out of the kitchen to

whine at you,
what have you usually done wrong?

Made her
chain too long.

An Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was
planning to meet him there the next day. When he
reached his hotel, he
decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.


Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail

address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately,
he
missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly
woman
whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the
grieving
widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a
piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her
family rushed into the room and saw this note on
the screen:

DEAREST WIFE:

JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

YOUR LOVING HUSBAND


P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE

Yo mama has so many chins, it looks like

she's wearing a fat necklace !!

yo mama's o fat she supplies 99% of

British gas.

Yo Momma so black when she goes swimming
poeple thinks
shes and oil spill.

yo mama is so fat, she can sit on a t3 cable

and make the internet traffic slow right down to 1 bit per day.

Question: Why did the hamster cross the road?Answer: Because it was stuck in the Chicken's ass!

Forest Gump Goes to Heaven...The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.Saint Peter says, ''Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.'' ''I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.''Forest responds, ''It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this.'' ''Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.''Saint Peter goes on, ''Yes, I know Forest.'' ''But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?'' ''Second, how many seconds are there in a year?'' ''Third, what is God's first name?''Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.Saint Peter waves him up and asks, ''Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.''Forest says, ''Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?'' ''Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!'' The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, ''Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer.''''How about the next one'' says Saint Peter, ''how many seconds in a year?''''Now that one's harder,'' says Forest. ''But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.''Astounded, Saint Peter says, ''Twelve!'' ''Twelve!'' ''Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?''Forest says, ''Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second.....'' ''Hold it,'' interrupts Saint Peter. ''I see where you're going with it.'' ''And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.'' ''I'll give you credit for that one too.''''Let's go on with the next and final question,'' says Saint Peter, ''Can you tell me God's first name?''Forest says, ''Well shore, I know God's first name.'' ''Everbody probly knows it.'' ''It's Howard.''''Howard?'' asks Saint Peter. ''What makes you think it's 'Howard'?''Forest answers, ''It's in the prayer.''''The prayer?'' asks Saint Peter, ''Which prayer?''''The Lord's Prayer,'' responds Forest: ''Our Father, Howard be thy name....''

Q: How can you tell the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?A: SNOWBALLS!!!

That was Zen, this is Tao.

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, ''Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off.''And Sarah says, ''Can you just jack off? I have a headache!''

What game do four elephants in a mini play?Squash

How do you get an elephant into the fridge?1. Open door.2. Insert elephant.3. Close door.How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?1. Open door.2. Remove elephant.3. Insert giraffe.4. Close door.How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?The door won't close.How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?By the footprints in the butter.

How do you get an elephant out of the water?Wet.How do you get two elephants out of the water?One by one.