Military Jokes 

There was this General-in-training,
and his superioirs
were asking him questions ''What happened on June 6,
1944?'' ''We
stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as
D-Day, sir!''
''What was the turining point of wordl war 2?'' ''Battle
of the bulge,
sir!'' ''What's is the importance of May 12'' The Man
thought and
thought ''I don't know, sir!'' The superior then said
''Well, I'll tell
your wife that you forgot her birhtday''

A retired sergeant was asked: ''Well, how do
you like
civilian life?''
''Terrible,'' he said gruffly, ''all those
people around and nobody in
charge!''

During an army basic training, the lieutenant
took the
batch on a match and asked each of them where home was.
After everyone had
answered, he sneered and said ''you are all wrong,
the army is now your
home''.
Back at the barracks, he read the
evening duties, then asked the first
sergeant if he had anything to
say ''you bet I do'' the sergeant
replied, ''men, while you were gone
today, I found beds improperly made,
clothes not hanging correctly,
shoes not shined and footlockers a mess.
Where do you think you
are? Home?

General Heath, a famous lover of
parade
music and marching drill ceremonies, once listened to a
symphonic
orchestra playing.
When asked about his impressions, he
commented:
''No military precision in drill...''
''Why?''
''Did you see those
violin players? They were moving their bows not in
cadence.''

Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect

Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback.
He had
scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he
couldn't
find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl
win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene
in Bosnia.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
Bosnian soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade
straight into a
15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka- boom! He
threw another hand
grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away
-- ka-blooey! Then a
car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye!


''I've got to get this guy!'' Ross said to himself. ''He has the

perfect arm!''

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the
great game of
football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl
for the first time in
history.

The young Bosnian is lioni
zed as the Great Hero of football, and when
Ross asks him what he
wants, all the young man wants to do is to call
his mother.


''Mom,'' he says into the phone, ''I just won the Super Bowl.''

''I
don't want to talk to you,'' the old woman says. ''You deserted
us.
You are not my son.''

''I don't think you understand, Mother!''
the young man pleads. ''I
just won the greatest sporting event in the
world. I'm here among
thousands of my adoring fans.''

''No,
let me tell you,'' the mother retorts. ''At this very moment,
there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.

Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week,

and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight.''

The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says ''...I'll never forgive
you
for making us move to Detroit.''

You Might be a
Marine Wife if:
1. Your
mail goes to four addresses in two countries before it reaches
you.

2. You earned an Accounting degree by deciphering your husband's
LES
and running a family on what was ACTUALLY deposited.
3.
''Savings'' sounds like a great idea and you hope to someday have
some.

4. Sex - see #3.
5. You can simultaneously be a control freak,
change plans on a
moment's notice, yet you are not being treated
for schizophrenia.
6. You know the Tricare regulations/procedures
better than their
service reps.
7. You know what forms you need
better than your husband's Admin
clerk.
8. You are strangely
attracted (or repulsed) by the color green.
9. You can calculate the
cost of a 5-minute phone call from any
country, any time, on up to
four different calling plans.
10. At a distance, you can pick out
your husband from 100 other men
with identical haircuts and clo
thes.
11. The face paint in your closet is NOT for your children.

12. Name tapes are not just for kids.

As the family gathered for a big dinner
together, the
youngest son had an announcement to make: He'd just signed
up at
an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the

table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief

that he could handle this new situation.

''Oh, come on, quit
pulling our legs,'' snickered one: ''You didn't
really do that, did
you?''

''I'm positive you'd never get through basic training''
scoffed
another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help;
but she was just gazing
at him. When she finally spoke, it was to
voice a single question: ''Do
you really plan to make your own bed
every morning?''

At a lesson in topography a
soldier was
asked: ''What is farther away, Harrison, the moon or that
object on
this map?''
''That object, naturally.''
''What makes you think
that?''
'' 'Cause we can see the moon any clear night, and we can't see
that
object even at day time.''

An airforce officer
goes to heaven and at
the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done
anything in his life
that he believes makes him worthy of attmittance to
heaven. The
officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four
of my
pilot friends and saw two seabees harrassing a young girl at the
bar,
so being a gentelman I went up to the biggest one and told him to

leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more

forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this seabee
to
stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and
asked
when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5
minutes
ago! My friends should be here shortly!

SIX PHASES OF THE MONTH IN NAVY RECRUITING

1. ENTHUSIASM

2. DISILUSIONMENT

3. PANIC

4.
SEARCH FOR THE GUILTY

5. PUNISHMENT OF THE INNOCENT

6.
PRAISE AND HONORS FOR THE NON-PARTICIPANTS

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill

instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the

mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat
them
down and told them, ''There are three rules in this mess hall:
Shut up!
Eat up! Get up!''

Checking to see that he had
everyone's attention, he asked, ''What is
the first rule?'' Much to the
amusement of the other instructors, 60
privates yelled in unison,
''Shut up, Drill Sergeant!''

On some air bases the Air Force is on one

side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the
field,
with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower
received a call from an aircraft asking, ''What time
is
it?''

The tower responded, ''Who is calling?''

The aircraft replied,
''What difference does it make?''

The tower replied, ''It makes a lot
of difference. If it is an American
Airlines flight, it is 3
o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is
1500 hours. If it is a Navy
aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army
aircraft, the big hand is
on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If
it is a Marine Corps
aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.''

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and
Marines
bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same
language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase ''secure the
building''.

The Army will post guards around the place.

The Navy
will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines will kill
everybody inside and set up a headquarters.

The Air Force will
take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

Airman Jones was assigned
to the
induction center, where he advised new recruits about their
government
benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before
Captain
Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high

success-rate, selling
insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he
advised. Rather than ask
about this, the Captain stood in the back of the
room and listened to
Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained
the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and
then said:
''If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are
killed, the
government has
to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have
GI insurance,
and you go into battle and get killed, the government
only has to pay a
maximum of $6000.

Now,'' he concluded,
''which group do you think they are going to send
into battle first?''

The
cavalryman was galloping down the
road, rushing to catch up with his
regiment. Suddenly his horse
stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in
the dirt with a broken
leg, terrified of the approaching
enemy, the soldier called out: ''All
you saints in heaven, help me get
up on my horse!''

Then,
with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell
off
the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the
heavens:

''All right, just half of you this time!''

A drill
sergeant had just chewed out one
of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he
turned to the cadet
and said, ''I guess when I die you'll come and
dance on my grave.''


The cadet replied, ''Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself
that
when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!''

While practicing
auto-rotations during a
military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes
up and lands
on its tail rotor.

The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail
boom. However, the
chopper fortunately remains upright on its
skids, sliding down the runway,
doing 360s.

As the Cobra slides
past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of
sparks, this radio
exchange takes place:

Tower: ''Sir, do you need any
assistance?''

Cobra: ''I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet.''

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was
on
his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped
out
taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to
attention,
made a perfect
salute, and snapped out, ''Sir, Good
Evening, Sir!''

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the
salute and said
''Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't
it?''

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to
disagree
with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, ''Sir,
Yes
Sir!''

The General continued, ''You know there's something
about a stormy
night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.
Don't you agree?''

The Private didn't agree, but then the
private was just a private, and
responded, ''Sir, Yes Sir!''

The
General, pointing at the dog, ''This is a Golden Retriever, the
best
type of dog to train.''

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted
yet again, and said, ''Sir, Yes
Sir!''

The General continued
''I got this dog for my wife.''

The Private simply said, ''Good
trade, Sir!''

One Sunday
morning, the priest noticed
Little Johnny was staring up at the large
plaque that hung in the
foyer of the church. It was covered with names,
and small American
flags were mounted on either side of it. The
seven-year old had been
staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest
walked up, stood
beside the boy, and said quietly, ''Good morning, Little
Johnny.''


''Good morning, Father,'' replied the young man, still focused on
the
plaque. ''Father Scott, what is this?'' Little Johnny asked.
''Well,
son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in
the
service.'' Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large
plaque. Little
Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked,
''Which service, the
9:45 or the 11:15?''

A trio
of old veterans were bragging
about the heroic exploits of their
ancestors one afternoon down at the
VFW hall.

''My great grandfather, at age 13,'' one declared
proudly, ''was a
drummer boy at Shiloh.''

''Mine,'' boasts another,
''went down with Custer at the Battle of
Little Big
Horn.''

''I'm the only soldier in my family,'' confessed vet number three,
''but
if my great grandfather was living today he'd be
the most famous
man in the world.''

''Really? What'd he do?'' his friends wanted to
know.

''Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.''