Travel and tourist jokes 

Two tourists were driving through
Louisiana. As
they were approaching Natchitoches, they started
arguing about the
pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth
until they stopped
for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one
tourist asked the employee,
''Before we order, could you please settle
an argument for us? Would
you please pronounce where we are... very
slowly?''
The girl leaned over the counter and said, ''Burrrrrrrr,
gerrrrrrr,
Kiiiiing.''

Windsor castle, outside of London,
is directly in the flight path of
Heathrow International Airport.
While a group of tourist was standing
outside the castle admiring
the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead
at a relatively low
altitude making a tremendous amount of noise. One
particularly annoyed
tourist whined, ''Why did they build the castle so
close to the
airport?''

A pair of tourists were out in the
fields
when they discovered an abandoned well near an old farm
house. Of course
they're curious so they drop a small stone into the
well, but they
never hear it hit bottom. They search and find a
larger rock and drop it
into the well but once again hear nothing. They
decide they need
something larger and search the farm yard for a
larger object. After much
struggle, they manage to drag a large
railroad tie to the edge of the well
and drop it over the
edge.

After several seconds, a goat tears across the yard and without any

hesitation, dives head first into the open hole. The two tourists stand
in
amazement. About then a farmer appears and tells them he is
looking for
a lost goat. The tourists tell the farmer about the goat
diving into
the well.

''That couldn't be my goat'', the farmer
replies, ''My goat was
grazing in the field roped to a railroa
d tie!''

''Were you in Paris on your

vacation?''

''I don't know, my wife got the tickets.''

The tourist: ''Can you tell me why

so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park

Sites?''

A travel agent looked up from his

desk to see an older lady and an
older gentleman peering in the
shop window at the posters showing
the glamorous destinations around
the world. The agent had had a
good week and the dejected couple
looking in the window gave him a
rare feeling of generosity.

He
called them into his shop and said, ''I know that on your pension

you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to
a
fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.''


He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight
tickets
and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be
expected, gladly
accepted, and were on their way.

About a month
later the little lady came in to his shop. ''And
how did you like your
holiday?'' he asked eagerly. ''The flight
was exciting and the room
was lovely,'' she said. ''I've come to thank
you.
But, one th
ing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the
room
with?''

There was some mix-up with a
woman's room. The
clerk (or whatever they are called on ships)
was
trying to remedy the situation. He asked, ''Would you
like an inside
cabin or an outside cabin?'' She
replied, ''Well, it looks like it might
rain today.
I'd better get an inside cabin.''

Someone -- always a man -- always

asks, ''does the
ship run on generators?'' The Cruise Director
usually
tells them, ''No, we just have a very long power line
running
to the mainland.''

I got a call from a woman who
wanted to go
to Capetown.
started to explain the length of the flight
and the passport
information when she interrupted me with ''I'm not

trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in

Massachusetts.''

Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I

calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown
is in
Africa.'' Her response... click.

The frightened tourist: ''Are

there any bats in this cave?''
The guide: ''There were, but don't
worry, the snakes ate all of
them.''

During my stay at an expensive hotel
in New York
City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an
upset stomach. I
called room service and ordered some soda crackers.
When I looked at the
charge slip, I was furious. I called room
service and raged, ''I know
I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six
crackers is ridiculous!''
''The crackers are complimentary,'' the voice
to the other end cooly
explained. ''I believe you are complaining
about your room number.''

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist

is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and

banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, ''Hans

Olaffsen's Laundry.''

''Hans Olaffsen?'', he muses. ''How in
hell does that fit in here?'' So
he walks into the shop and sees an
old Chinese gentleman behind the
counter.

The tourist asks,
''How did this place get a name like 'Hans
Olaffsen's Laundry?'''
The old man answers, ''Is name of owner.''

The tourist asks,
''Well, who and where is the owner?'' ''Me...is right
here,'' replies the
old man.

''You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?''


''Is simple,'' says the old man. ''Many, many year ago when come to

this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in
front was
big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your
name?' He
say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'Wh
at your name?'''

''I say Sem Ting.''

A
fellow stopped at a rural gas
station and, after filling his tank, he
paid the bill and bought a
soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his
cola and he watched a
couple of men working along the roadside. One man
would dig a hole
two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man
came along
behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new
hole, the
other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men
worked
right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the
road.
''I can't stand this,'' said the man tossing the can in a trash

container and heading down the road toward the men.

''Hold it, hold
it,'' he said to the men. ''Can you tell me what's
going on here
with this digging?''

''Well, we work for the county government, ''
one of the men said.

''But one of you is digging a hole and the
other is filling it up.
You're not accomplishing anything. Are
n't you wasting the county's
money?''

''You don't
understand, mister,'' one of the men said, leaning on his
shovel and wiping
his brow. ''Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney
and Mike. I
dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts
the dirt
back.''

''Yea,'' piped up Mike. ''Now just because Rodney's sick,
that don't
mean we can't work, does it?''

A man was driving along
the
highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He

swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit

jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man
as
well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and
got
out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay,
the rabbit
was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to
cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of
the
road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the
man what
was wrong.

''I feel terrible,'' he explained. ''I
accidently hit this rabbit and
killed it.''

The woman told the man
not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to
her car trunk and
pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp,
dead rabbit, and
sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously,
the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two

humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned

around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet,

turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished.
He
couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's
spray can!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, '' What was in your
spray can?
What did you spray onto that rabbit?'' The woman turned
the can around so
that the man could read the label. It
said:

'''Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.''

A man wrote a letter to a small

hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He
wrote:''I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is

well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep

him in my room with me at night?''

An immediate reply came
from the hotel owner, who said, ''I've been
operating this hotel for
many years. In all that time, I've never had a
dog steal towels,
bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to
evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk
and
disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes,
indeed,
your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch
for
you, you're welcome to stay here, too.''