Legal 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing atthe counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with heartsall over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all overthem.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man andasks him what he is doing. The man says ''I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cardssigned, 'Guess who?'''''But why?'' asks the man.''I'm a divorce lawyer,'' the man replies.

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, ''We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?''''I'll take the lawyer's heart'', said the patient.After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. ''It was easy'', said the patient, ''I wanted a heart that hadn't been used.''

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor,''You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.''After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, ''You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to split.''

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, ''Just what the hell you are doing?'' ''Well,'' said the guy, ''you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!'' ''That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!'' the guy replied. ''I'm a lawyer. Do ya see me fucking the guy in front of me?''

A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn't make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him. The dying person replied, ''When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same way.''

''You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man ofyour background,'' sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. ''If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment,'' replied the witness.

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through thebrush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks theass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says,''Hey! Cut it out, alright!''The rear tiger says, ''sorry,'' and they continue.After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turnsaround and cuffs the rear tiger and says,''I said stop it!'' The rear tiger says, ''sorry,'' and they continue.After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, ''What is it with you, anyway?''The rear tiger replies, ''Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to getthe taste out of my mouth!''

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?Your Honor.

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?Defendant: No, I did not.Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!

A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney,feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle ofhundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied.''The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're dead!''''I don't think so,'' his attorney told him. ''I sent it in the other lawyer's name!''

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. ''Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,'' says the shop owner, ''and an extra thousand for the story behind it.'' ''At that price, you can keep the story, old man,'' he replies, ''but I'll take the bronze rat.'' The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars... following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. ''Ah sir, you've come back for the story,'' says the owner. ''No,'' says the tourist, ''I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer ''

What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?He gets taller!!Sent by Bill

A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry . He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, ''Asshole attorneys''. The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying ''I want you to know I highly resent that remark''.''Why, are you an attorney?''''No, I'm an asshole.''

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlightsbroken and considerable damage. There's no sign of theoffending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's anote stuck under the windshield wiper.''Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who sawthe accident are nodding and smiling at me because they thinkI'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not.''

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates. ''Fifty dollars for three questions,'' replied the lawyer. ''Isn't that awfully steep?'' asked the man. ''Yes,'' the lawyer replied, ''and what was your third question?''

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.The judge said, ''State your name, occupation, and the charge.''The defendant said, ''I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery.''The judge winced and said, ''Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!''

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.''Damn,'' he says. ''I forgot to lock the office safe before we left.'' His partner replies '' What are you worried about? We're both here.''

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?How many can you afford?

Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Do you know the problem with lawyer jokes?Lawyers don't think they're funny, and the rest of us don'tthink they're jokes!