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Gender Jokes 

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|If Men Were to Rewrite ''The Rules''Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both. Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs. Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying ''This is our exit'' is not necessary.

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|Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman'' A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

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|The story of someone getting a haircut.Women's version:Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Men's version:Man2: Haircut? Man1: Yeah.

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|A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

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|Why are blond jokes so short?So men can remember them!

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|What do men and beer bottles have in common?They are both empty from the neck up!

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|A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, ''If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!'' The wife replied, ''My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here.''

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|What's a man's idea of housework?Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

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|What is the thinnest book in the world?What men know about women!

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|Why don't men eat more M & M's?They are too hard to peel!

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|What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?Gifted!

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|What is the difference between men and government bonds?Bonds mature!

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|How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?We don't know - it's never happened.

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|How are men and parking spots alike?The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

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|Dating hints for gentlemenThere are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date... I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you. I used to come here all the time with my ex. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

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|What's the difference between a man and E.T.?E.T. phoned home!

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|What did God say after he created man?I can do better than this!

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|What does a man consider a seven course meal?A hot dog and a six pack of beer!

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|How do men exercise at the beach?By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

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|What's the best way to force a man to do situps?Put the remote between his toes.

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