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Náhodný vtip

Zena ide na rekondicny pobyt, ziarlivy manzel pred odchodom jej skontroluje kufor. Vyberie z neho spolocenske saty a namiesto nich tam vlozi teplaky. Po dvoch tyzdnoch sa zena vrati a manzel sa pyta. Tak ako bolo? Zena odpoveda. Dobre bolo, perfektne. Tie, co mali spolocenske saty, tancovali a tie, co mali teplaky sa iba milovali na izbach.

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Ethnical Jokes 

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|Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern StatesIf you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.3. Remember: ''Y'all'' is singular, ''All y'all'' is plural, and ''All y'alls''' is plural possessive.4. Get used to hearing ''You ain't from around here, are ya?''5. You may hear a Southerner say ''Oughta!'' to a dog or child. This is short for ''Y'all oughta not do that!'' and is the equivalent of saying ''No!''6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective ''big ol','' as in ''big ol' truck '' or ''big ol' boy.'' Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.9. Be advised that ''He needed killin''' is a valid defense here.10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim ''Hey, y'all, watch this,'' stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle

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|An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, ''What are you going to do with the money?'' ''Take jewelry to city and sell it,'' said the old man. ''What have you got for collateral?'' queried the banker, going strictly by the book. ''Don't know of collateral.'' ''Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?'' ''Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup.'' The banker shook his head, ''How about livestock?'' ''Yes, I have a horse.'' ''How old is it?'' ''I don't know; it has no teeth.'' Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, ''Here's the money to pay loan,'' he said, handing the entire amount including interest. ''What are you going to do with the rest of that money?'' ''Put it in my pocket.'' ''Why don't you deposit it in my bank?'' he asked. ''I don't know of deposit.'' ''Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.'' The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, ''What you got for collateral?''

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|These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, ''Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?''The Saudi says, ''What's a shortage?''The Russian says, ''What's meat?''The North Korean says, ''What's an opinion?''The New Yorker, says, ''Excuse me?? What's excuse me?''

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|An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, ''Hey you, what are you doing?''''I have to throw this away,'' replied the tourist.''You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me,'' the policeman offered.The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. ''Here,'' said the cop, ''dump all the garbage you want.''The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.''Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?'' asked the tourist.''No. This is the American Embassy.''

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|A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command (''Jump!'').In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: ''Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly.''So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: ''Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly.''Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: ''Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly.''Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: ''Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing''

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|A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. ''Look at their reserve, their calm,'' muses the Brit. ''They must be British.'' ''Nonsense,'' the Frenchman disagrees. ''They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.'' ''No clothes, no shelter,'' the Russian points out, ''they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.''

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|There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, ''Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!''After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, ''Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!''And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, ''Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!''The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.The Japanese exclaimed, ''Wah... so expensive!''There upon, the driver yelled back, ''Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!''

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|This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings. They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 . When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. ''We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you.''

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|Crash Course in Speaking ChineseChinese Phrase English TranslationAi Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field? Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitiveJan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show hostKum Hia: Approach meLao Ze Sho: Gilligan's IslandLao Ze: Not very goodLin Ching: An illegal executionMoon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space programNe Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signsShai Gai: A bashful personTai Ne Bae Be: A premature infantTai Ne Po Ne: A small horseTen Ding Ba: Serving drinks to peopleWan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with youWa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobileWai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

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|A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak...''woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.'' ''That's amazing'' exclaimed the father. ''You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground''? ''No'', said the old tribesman. ''They just ran over me five minutes ago''!

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|Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, ''I wouldn't eat that if I were you.'' ''Why not?'' ''I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.''

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|Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ''I think I'll go up and get a coke.'' ''No problem,'' said the Israeli. ''I'll get it for you.'' While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ''That looks good. I think I'll have one too.'' Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. ''How long must this go on?'' he asked. ''This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?''

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|Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. ''Sid,'' asked Al, ''are there any Jews in China?''''I don't know,'' Sid replied. ''Why don't we ask the waiter?''When the waiter came by, Al asked him, ''Are there any Chinese Jews?''''I don't know sir, let me ask,'' the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, ''No, sir. No, Chinese Jews.''''Are you sure?'' Al asked.''I will check again, sir,'' the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, ''I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.''When the waiter returned he said, ''Sir, no Chinese Jews.''''Are you really sure?'' Al asked again.''I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.''''Sir, I ask everyone,'' the waiter replied exasperated. ''We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews.''

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|An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.

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|REVENUE CANADA *T1-SIMPLIFIED TAX FORMNew Simplified Tax Form for 2000 Taxes1. How much money did you make in 2000?2. Send it to us.

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|These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, ''Those ones were pointed on the wrong end.'' The buddy gets exasperated and says ''You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!''

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|A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready. The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie. The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, ''So you wanna race, eh?''

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|THE ORIGINAL VERSIONThe ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.MODERN CANADIAN VERSIONThe ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come the winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.The CBC shows up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Canadians are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?Then a representative of the NAGB (The national association of green bugs) shows up on The National and charges the ant with green bias, and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on the Nature of Things with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings ''It's not easy being green.''Jean Chretien makes a special guest appearance on the CBC Evening News to tell a concerned public that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan/Thatcher summers. Sheila Copps exclaims in an interview with Peter Mansbridge that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his ''fair share.''Finally, the Liberals draft the ''Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act,'' retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. John Turner gets his law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal hearing officers that Chretien appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM.The ant loses the case.The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.The ant has disappeared in the snow.And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Jean Chretien standing before a wildly applauding group of liberals announcing that a new era of ''fairness'' has dawned in Canada.

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|You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when.... You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. The mosquitoes have landing lights. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday. You head south to go to your cottage. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making. You find -40C a little chilly. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels. You can play road hockey on skates. You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.

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|Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, ''Mick! I lost me finger!'' ''Have you now?'' says Mick. ''And how did you do it?'' ''I just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another one!''

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