Newest jokes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the ''no haggle'' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, ''Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!''The shopkeeper said, ''By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!''Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, ''This one isn't wearing any shoes either!''

Why didn't the mouse cross the road?It's cord wasn't long enough!

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him ''up'' immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, ''Wasukima! Wasukima!'' He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted ''Wasukima!''.All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, ''Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?''

A man walks into a bar with his pet crocodile, the bartender screams and demands he get the man eating creature out of there!The man tries to calm the bartender down and says he is very well trained to prove it the man whipped out his cock and put it in the crocodile's mouth, then he hit the crocodile over the head and after a few good smacks he pulls it out and shows the bar tender,''Look, no marks.''The bartender is still unsure so the man asks...''Would anyone else like to try?''The bar is quiet and a few minutes later a blonde in the corner stands up and says...''I will but don't smack me on the head!''

In downtown Roanoke, at a crowded bus stop, a good friend of mine was waiting for her bus. She's very attractive and was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him ''How dare you touch me!! I don't even know who you are!''At this, the big guy drawled, ''Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!''

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. ''I've never been better!'' he replies. ''I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?''The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, ''Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.''So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest.''''That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear,'' the man said.''Exactly,'' replies the Doc.

What is Green, Slimy, and Smells like Pork?Kermit's Dick

Inventions by Blondes...1. The water-proof towel2. Glow in the dark sunglasses3. Solar powered flashlights 4. Submarine screen doors 5. A book on how to read 6. Inflatable dart boards 7. A dictionary index 8. Mechanical Pencil sharpeners 9. Powdered water 10. Pedal-powered wheel chairs 11. Waterproof tea bags 12. Watermelon seed sorter13. Zero proof alcohol 14. Reuseable ice cubes 15. See-through toilet tissue16. Skinless bananas 17. Do-it-yourself road map 18. Turnip ice cream 19. Toe implants 20. An all white flag21. Rolls Royce pickup truck 22. Helicopter Ejector Seat

A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, ''Bed hard!'' And then he resumed his silent study and work.Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, ''Food bad!'' And then he resumed his silent study and work.Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, ''I quit!''The head monk shook his head and said, ''I knew this was coming. You've done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!''

From a little book called ''Disorder in the Court''. These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?Q: How old is your son--the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, ''Where am I Cathy?'' Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and500.Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: and, before the accident? A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or a cult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?Q: How many times have you committed suicide?Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wifeQ: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers. The bartendar just frowns and says, ''Look buddy, we can't have any dogs sitting up at the bar.''The owner retorts, ''But this is no ordinary dog.'' The bartendar doesn't budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.The owner protests, ''Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog.''The bartendar says, ''Yeah right buddy. Okay, why don't you and your talking dog leave the bar?''The owner says, ''Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will.''So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartendar start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartendar starts to really like this dog. There talking about sports and beer and women. So the bartendar comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says, ''Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him?'' The dog says, ''No problem'', and gets up and leaves.The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartenday explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says, ''Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before?'' To which the dog replies, ''Because I have never had $20 before.''

3 nurses go into the morgue, and there's a dead man's body lying there, with an erection.The first nurse sees it, and says ''I'm gagging for it'', gets atop the man and has her way with it.The second nurse says ''Aye, so am I, shame to let it go to waste'', and she does the same.They turn to the 3rd nurse and ask her if she is having a go. She replies she is having her period, and declines. One of the nurses reply ''He's dead anyway, he'll no bother''. The last nurse agrees with this, gets on and does her thing too.Just after she finishes, the dead man sits up. The nurses ask him ''We thought you were dead!'', and the man replies,''After two jump starts and a blood transfusion, you wouldn't be dead either!''.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What did the gynocologist say to his wife when he got home?I'm Bushed!

A new bellringer was needed for Notre Dame Cathedral to replace Quasimoto, the hunchback. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. ''You have no arms!'' ''No matter,'' said the man, ''Observe!'' He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.The stunned bishop ran down the long series of steps to the bottom of the cathedral, then rushed out to the man's side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, ''Bishop, who was this man?'' ''I don't know his name,'' the bishop sadly replied, ''but his face rings a bell.'' But wait...there's more!The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia word for you!), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, ''Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'' The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet and began to create the most wonderful sounds to be heard. When he had finished, he turned to the bishop, groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. ''What has happened?'' the first asked breathlessly, ''Who is this man?'' ''I don't know his name,'' sighed the distraught bishop, ''but he's a dead ringer for his brother!''

Why does Clinton were underwear? To keep his ankles warm!

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't freakin' think so!

There was a retarded duck farmer who had 2 sons, but only enough money to send one to college. So he came up with a fair way to choose who was to get the money. He called both of his sons into a room and gave them each a retarded duck and instructed them to go into the city. The one who made the most off the duck would win the money for college.Well the first child, being the good child he was, scurried off to sell his duck. As he was walking, he saw a lady mowing her lawn. She jumped up from the mower and screamed, ''IS THAT A RETARDED DUCK?!?'' It sure is he replyed, and its for sale too! She said that she collected retarded ducks and would gladly pay him $10 for that duck, he agreed.Well the other son being the ''bad'' kid went strait for the whore house. When he got there, a lady started hittin on him. He said he'd love to fuck her but he doesnt have any money, just this retarded duck. She thought about it for awhile and said, well I always did want a pet. So they go in the back and have ''mad passionate animal sex.'' When they were done, the lady said she didn't want the duck anymore. He said he would gladly take the duck back if he could fuck her again, so they went at it again. The guy was pretty happy by now so he runs on home, he ran so fast that the duck got away from him and ran out in front of a car and got hit. The duck was clearly dead, so the lady being in the hurry that she was, gave the young man $25 compensation for the dead duck, then she sped off in her car.When the two finally got home, the father once again called them into a room and said, ''How much did you make,'' looking at his ''good'' son. The ''good'' son said $10, with a modest look on his face.Then the dad glared at his other son and said, ''How about you?'' The bad son said, ''well... I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up duck!''

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.''I'm not aware of your problem,'' the doctor said. ''So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.''''Of course,'' replied the patient... ''In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth...''

~WHAT DO YOU CALL A SPICE GIRL WITH TWO BRAIN CELLS? PREGNANT~WHAT DO YOU CALL A SPICE GIRL BEHIND A STEERING WHEEL? AN AIRBAG~WHAT DO YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOOK INTO A SPICE GIRLS EYES? THE BACK OF HER HEAD