Newest jokes

One day a man was walking along the beach when he found a bottle, when he opened it up a genie poped out. The genie said he could have one wish. The man thought about it a while then told the man that he was afraid of heights and got sea sick, but really wanted to go to Hawaii so he asked the genie to make a highway to Hawaii.''I don't know said the genie'', that is really difficult. Do you have another request?''''Well, I really want to know all about women, you know, how they tick and why their the way they are!''The genie replied: ''Will that be two lanes or four?''

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, andalways will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours tobegin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up yourstuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, andnever behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, youeither married it or gave birth to it!

George CarlinAds in Bills:Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your billsnow? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, ''Could you throw this away for me? Thank you.''--------------------------------------------------------------Fabric Softener:My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.-----------------------------------------------------------------CripesMy wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?---------------------------------------------------------------------Morning Differences:Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.---------------------------------------------------------------------Pregnancy:It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh mygod. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. ''Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now...''---------------------------------------------------------------------Grandma:My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy SeniorCitizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.---------------------------------------------------------------------Reverse Life Cycle:The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life istough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam.------------------------------------------------------Prisons:Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house eachprisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.---------------------------------------------Award Shows:Can you believehow many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.-------------------------------------------Phone-in Polls:You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% ''I don't know''. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting ''I don't know.'' ''Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about.'' This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) ''I'm not in the mood.''----------------------------------------------------------Answering Machine:Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone'sanswering machine? ''Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it rightnow. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love. '''Beep.'' ''Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.''

A guy walks into a store to buy brains. He asks the woman behind the counter how much each of the brains cost. They saleswoman tells him, ''$5/gram for women's brains, $20/gram for dog's brains, and $100/gram for men's brains.''So the guy is surprised with the varying prices, and he asks the saleswoman, ''How come men's brain's are so much more expensive than women's brains or dog's brains?'' And the saleswoman replies, ''Are you kidding!?!?!?!? Do you know how many men it takes to get a gram of brains????''

The following phrase:PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA can be rearranged (with no lettersleft over, and using each letter only once) into:TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNSCoincidence? I think not!

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, ''I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.''Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, ''You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.''The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, ''Paint my house!''

Q. What's the definition of a lesbian? A. A woman doing a man's job better again!

A visitor to the vatican met with the Pope and noticed a red phone sitting on his desk.What's that for?, he asked.''Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord'' said the Pope.The visitor said, ''Wow, how much is a call?''The Pope answered, ''$2,000 per minute.''A few days later the same visitor met the Israeli Prime Minister and noticed a red phone on his desk.''What's that for?'', he asked. ''Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord'' said the Prime Minister.The visitor asked ''How much is a call?''The Prime Minister said ''20 cents per minute.''The astonsished visitor said, ''It can't be. I just saw the Pope who said a call to the Lord is $2,000 per minute.''The Prime Minister answered, ''That was long distance, here the Lord is just a local call.''

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.(From a machine at a college dorm:)A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.Hi. This is John:If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.If you are my parents, please send money.If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.If you are my friends, you owe me money.If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.''Hi. Now you say something.''''Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.'' beep ''Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?''(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!''Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.''''Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.'''Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.''''This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.''''Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.''''Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.''''If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.''''You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.''''You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your*voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.''Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Cool Bumper Stickers-A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. -Horn broken, watch for finger. -My kid had sex with your honor student. -If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished. -I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. -Jesus loves you... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole. -I'm just driving this way to piss you off. -Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. -Keep honking, I'm reloading. -Hang up and drive. -Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. -Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. -If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? -Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. -I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather did, not kicking and screaming like his passengers. -I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. -We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. -Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! -Make it idiotproof and someone will make a better idiot. -I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! -He who laughs last thinks slowest! -Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. -There's too much blood in my caffeine system. -Assassins do it from behind. -If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. -Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. -I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. -Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. -I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. -Where there's a will, I want to be in it. -Few women admit their age...few men act theirs. -We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? -Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

These three scientists decided to go fishing one day. So they packed up all of their gear and headed down to the lake.They were having terrible luck, they weren't catching a thing. But all the sudden, one of the scientists feels a pull at his line. He shouts out, ''I got something, I got something!''So he reels his catch in and much to his surprise, it's a Mermaid. She tells the scientists, ''If you let me go, I will grant you each one wish.'' Well they think that's a pretty good deal, so they agree.The first scientist, the one who caught the Mermaid, tells her, ''I want you to double my IQ.'' The Mermaid says, no problem. Snaps her fingers, and suddenly he's solving all of these problems they had been working on for months.So the next scientist thinks that's pretty neat, so he tells the Mermaid, ''I want you to tripple my IQ.'' So the Mermaid says, ''No problem.'' snaps her fingers once again, and now this scientist is finding cures for AIDS and Cancer.So the last scientist is really excited about all of this. He tells the Mermaid, ''I want you to quadruple my IQ.''The Mermaid looks at him and says, ''Are you sure about this? I'm not so sure you want to do that.'' But the scientist is stubborn and tells her, ''You granted the other guys wishes, now grant mine or we're not letting you go.''So the Mermaid sighs and says, ''Whatever you want.''She snaps her fingers and the scientist turned into a woman.

A man walks in for a sale rep job. He is very qualitfied, but he has a nervous twitch, and his left eye is always winking. So he speaks with the manager and the manager says, ''Well sir, you are very well qualified for the job, but people have to be comfortable around a sales rep. and that eye thing is really freaky.'' The man smiles and says,''Oh that, I just take some Tylenol and it goes away.'' So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom, he takes several more condoms out and finally finds some Tylenol. He takes two Tylenol and the eye twitch goes away. The manager frowns, ''Sir, I'm sorry but our company does not like womanizers. I don't like the look of all those condoms.'' The man chuckles, ''Oh, I'm no womanizer... but do you know how hard it is to buy Tylenol at a drug store with your eye contantly winking?''

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?One in a million become a human being.

2 pshycologists met each other in a street one day.One said to the other, ''You're good today, how am I?

Three blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon aset of tracks.''Looks like deer tracks'', said one blonde.''No, it looks like maybe a cow track,'' another blonde suggested.''Actually, I think they are just dog tracks,'' the third blondeoffered.They were still arguing when the train hit them!

How did the blonde try to kill the bird...she threw it off of a cliff.How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves...she fell out of the tree.How did the blonde die, drinking milk...the cow stepped on her.How did the blonde burn her nose...bobbing for french fries.Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month...the instructions stated, ''good for up to 20 pounds''.Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops...so they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.Why do men like blonde jokes...it is one thing they can understand.Why do blondes like lightning...they think someone is taking their picture.Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces...from eating with forks.Why do blondes have more fun...they are easier to keep amused.What do you call a brunette with a blonde on both sides...an interpreter.What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer...frosted flakes.What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head...a space invader.What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case...branch manager.What do you call a smart blonde...a golden retriever.What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes...the back of her head.What does a blonde owl say...what, what...How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies...10...one to mix the dough and nine to peel the M & M's.Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence...to see what is on the other side.Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back...from crawling across the street when the sign said ''don't walk''.Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat...in case she locks the keys in her car.Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet...so she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.Why was blondes created...because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge...why were brunettes created...neither could the blondes.Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor...she thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months...because the box said from 2-4 years.Why did the blonde call the welfare office...she wanted to know how to cook food stamps.Where do blondes go to meet their relatives...the vegetable garden.What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagon ... far - from - thinkin.What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerois...oh look, donut seeds.What did the blonde name her pet zebra...spot.Why are dumb blonde jokes so short...so brunettes can remember them.Why can't blondes put in light bulbs...they keep breaking them with the hammer.When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head...when you have a tire pump to re-inflate it.Why was the blonde upset when she got her driver's license...because she got an F in sex.Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air...she missed.What is it called when a blonde blows in another blondes ear...data transfer.What is gross ignorance...144 blondes.What is the difference between a dead blonde and a skunk in the road...there are skid marks in front of the skunk. What's the difference between a blonde and a lightbulb...the lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is eaiser to turn on.What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have...one that never misses a period.What is the blondes highest ambition in life...to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.What can save a dying blonde...hair transplants.What are the six worst years in a blonde's life...third grade.What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common...you keep hearing about them, but never see any.What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer...I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy...a hundred dollar bill.How do you confuse a blonde...You don't. They're born that way.How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries...if she had a checkbook.How can you tell when a fax has been sent from a blonde...there is a stamp on it.How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook...she gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.What is the difference between a blonde and bigfoot...bigfoot has been spotted.What does a blonde make best for dinner...reservations.What does a blonde and cow-pats have in common...they both get eaiser to pick-up with age.What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on...it's on, it's off, it's on...What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts...change.What does a blonde say if you blow in her (or his) ear...thanks for the refill.What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair...last years hide and go seek winner.What do you call a basement full of blondes...a whine cellar.What do you call a blonde at the bottom of the pool...an air bubble.What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel...an air bag.What do you call a blonde between two brunettes...a mental block.What do you call 20 blondes standing ear to ear...a wind tunnel.What do you call 15 blondes in a circle...a dope ring.What do you call a blonde in college...a visitor.What is five miles long and has an IQ of forty...a blonde parade.A blonde and brunette jumped off of a 20 story building. The brunette hit the pavement but not the blonde...she got lost.Boyfriend said to his blonde girlfriend, I am going to go skeet shooting...but I don't know how to cook skeet.Question to the blonde...why do you have an ice pack on your chest...to keep the milk fresh.How do blonde brain cells die...alone.How do you measure a blonde's intelligence...stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear.How to you keep a blonde busy all day...put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you...run...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle...shine a flashlight in her ears.How do you kill a blonde...put spikes in her shoulder pads.Why does a blonde wear shoulder pads...to keep from hurting her head as she rocks it back and forth and said ''I dunno''.How do blondes pierce their ears...they put tacks in their shoulder pads.How do you drown a blonde...put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.Why do blondes hate M & M's...they're to hard to peel.How do you know when a blonde is making chocolate chip cookies...there are M&M shells all over the floor.What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory...proof reading.How do you keep a blonde in suspense...I'll tell you tomorrow.How do you keep a blonde busy...write ''please turn over'' on both sides of a piece of paper.Why can't the blonde make ice cubes...she lost the receipt. Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed...she wanted to see what she looked like when she was sleeping.How many blondes does it take to play hide and seek...one.What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone...divorced.Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven...she didn't know which 1 came first.How can you tell a smart blonde from a dumb blonde....the smart blondes have dark roots.Why don't blondes eat pickles...because they get their heads stuck in the jar.Why does the blonde wear underclothes...to keep her ankles warm.Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory...she threw out all of the W's.How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday...tell her a joke on Friday.What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt...brain tumor.Why don't blondes make kool-aid...can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packages.What do you call a blonde with half a brain...gifted.Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. printed on their shoes...stands for toes g o in first.How many blondes does it take to change a tire...5--2 to get sodas, 2 to cry and 1 to call daddy.How do you kill a blonde...put spikes in her shoulder pads.How do you give a blonde a brain transplant...blow in her ear.What do blondes and beer bottles have in common...they're both empty from the neck up.Why did the blonde cross the road...never mind that, what's she doing out of the bedroom?What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear...thanks for the refill.What's the mating call of a brunette...Is that darn blonde gone yet?Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink...that's where you wash vegetables.How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle...shine a light in her ear.What's the advantage of being married to a blonde...you can park in handicapped zones.What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you...pull the pin and throw it back.What's the mating call of a blonde...I think I'm drunk.How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex...opens the car door.Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress...to keep her neck warm.Why did the blonde have square boobs...she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall...to see what was on the other side.What do blondes and cow pies have in common...the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb...6 - 2 to read the instructions, 1 to find the switch, 2 to stand on, 1 to screw the bulb. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb...two...one to hold the diet pepsi and one to call daaaady.The blonde stayed up all night to see where the sun went...it finally dawned on her.How did the blonde commit suicide...she dyed by her own hand.Brunette to the blonde...Awww, look at the dead birdie...the blonde stopped, looks up and says, ''where''?How do you know a blonde has been working at your computer...there is ''white-out'' all over the screen.How can you tell if another blonde been using the computer ...there's writing on the ''white-out''.Why do blondes wear ear muffs?...to avoid the draft.What's the mating call of the blonde...''I'm soooo drunk''What's the mating call of the ugly blonde...(screaming) '' I'm drunk!''What's the mating call of the brunette?...all the blonds have gone home.What is the blonde doing when she hold her hands over her ears...trying to hold on to a thought.Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?...because it said ''concentrate''.Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet...she thought it was diet coke.Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering...the noise gave her a headache.Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips...from trying to blow out lightbulbs.Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar...she heard that the drinks were on the house.Why don't blondes have elevator jobs...they don't know the route.Why does blondes have elevator jobs...they like going up and down.Why do blondes work seven days a week...so you don't have to retrain them on Monday.What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons...you can also sit upright in a car.

Why did God give deers eyes? I have no eye-deer!

Yo mamma's so fat the cops had to use ''The Jaws of life'' to get her INTO her car!

Q: What do you call a Sleeping Bull?A: A Bull-Dozer!

Ha ha ha,very funny Scottie....NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES!!