Newest jokes

You know that Storks bring babys of course. What kind of birddefinitely does not bring babys?Swallows!

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. ''I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this.''After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, ''I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!''

Remember when........A computer was something on TV froma science fiction show of notea window was something you hated to cleanand ram was the cousin of a goatMeg was the name of my girlfriendand gig was a job for the nightsnow they all mean different thingsand that really mega bytesAn application was for employmenta program was a TV showa cursor used profanitya keyboard was a pianoMemory was something that you lost with agea CD was a bank accountand if you had a 3 1/2'' floppyyou hoped nobody found outCompress was something you did to the garbagenot something you did to a fileand if you unzipped anything in publicyou'd be in jail for a whileLog on was adding wood to the firehard drive was a long trip on the roada mouse pad was where a mouse livedand a backup happened to your commodeCut you did with a pocket knifepaste you did with gluea web was a spider's homeand a virus was the fluI guess I'll stick to my pad and paperand the memory in my headI hear nobody's been killed in a computer crashbut when it happens they wish they were dead.

Your momma's so fat the only time she sees ''90210'' is when she's on a scale.

Three best friends are at the corner bar on a Friday night as usual. One of them is an Italian, one is Black and the other is Jewish.They are sitting around drinking some beers, and they make a wager. They bet who can make love to their wife and make her scream the longest. They agree to return next week and compare.Next week, they all arrive at the bar at the usual time with smiles on their faces. The Italian guy says, ''I definitely won. I took my wife out to dinner, bought her roses, then took her home and made love to her. She screamed for an hour.''The black guy says, ''Man, that's nothin'. I cooked dinner for my wife, and for dessert I poured honey all over her and made love to her like never before. She screamed for two hours.''The Jewish guy chimes in, '' I got you both beat. I made love to my wife for 3 minutes, pulled out, then wiped my schmeckel on the curtain. She's still screaming!''

Something to ponder... Do the workers at the Lipton factory get acoffee break?

Why don't women need to wear watches?Theres a clock on the oven!

Why did Mrs.Tomatoe turn red ? She saw Mr.Green Pea !

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ''Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?''Little Johnny quickly replied, ''NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!''

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, ''All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!''As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, ''The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!''

Tom's dream was to marry a sweet, innocent virgin.He'd been going with Jane for a few months, when he decided to test her. As they drove along in the car, he unzipped his fly, turned to her and said, ''Do you want to see my wee-wee?''She yelled, ''No!No! Please zip up your fly!''Instead of being annoyed, Tom was happy.On the eve of their engagement to be married, he tried the same thing, with the same result. Finally, on their wedding night, they were alone in the hotel room when he unzipped his fly again and said to her, ''Honey, now that we're married you can now look at what I've got here,'' and proceeded to take out his dick.She looked at it and said, ''Oh, what a sweet looking wee-wee!''Tom said, ''No darling--you don't have to call it a wee-wee anymore; you can call it a cock.''She looked at it a while and then said, ''No, Tom, what you have 'is' a wee-wee.'' A 'cock' is long, thick, and black!!!

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.All my love,P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

90% of Fords are still on the road. The other 10% made it home! (you know, Fords - Fix or Repair Daily)

Why did the carload of lesbians get to San Francisco faster than the carload of gays?The lesbians got there lickety-split, while the gays where still packing there shit.

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said ''If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop.'' The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said ''Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops.'' She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.The man said ''Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!''Finally, the girl turned and said ''Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!''

Q - Why do women have smaller feet than men?? A - So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink!Q - The dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door... which do you let in first? A - The dog of course, at least he'll shut up once he's inside!Q - What do you call a woman with 2 brain cells? A - PregnantQ - What do you call a woman that has lost 95% of her intelligence? A - Divorced

What is the difference in a Knights of Columbus and a Shriner? Answer: A Knight is once a knight ,always a Knight and the Shriners argue that once a night is enough for anyone!

I, Caesar, when I heard of the fame To Cleopatra I straightway laid claim Ahead of my legions I invaded her regions I saw, I conquered, I came!

I like to hang out around the playground, just watching the kids running and screaming. They don't know I'm just using blanks.

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.''I assume,'' she snarled, ''that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?!''''There is,'' he replied. ''Breakfast!''