Newest jokes

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hearhim, is he still wrong?

The BarberA priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he gothis haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, ''Nocharge. I consider it a service to the Lord.''The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayerbooks and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. Hethen asked how much it was. The barber said, ''No charge. I considerit a service to the community.''The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts anda thank you note from the police officer.Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he askedhow much it was. The barber said, ''No charge. I consider it aservice to the country.''The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senatorsin front of the door.

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion forbaked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had avery embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparentthat they would marry she thought to herself, ''He is such a sweetand gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on.''So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some monthslater her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she livedin the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a smalldiner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walkoff any ill effects by the time she reached home.So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she hadconsumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all theway home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she couldcontrol any lingering effects.Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,''Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.''He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. Sheseated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold fromhis wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch theblindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and thepressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband wasout of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight toone leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like arotten egg gone worse.When her husband returned, he instructed her to remove herblindfold. And when she did, 50 people around her said ''Surprise!''

Capitalism, Socialism, and Communism have a meeting for tea at noon.Capitalism and Communism arrive on time, but Socialism is nowhere to be found. Finally he arrives, out of breath and apologetic.''I'm sorry,'' says Socialism, ''I was standing in line for sausage.''Capitalism says - ''What's a line?''And Communism says - ''What's a sausage?''

What happens when you have :2 Italian men a 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek man and 1 Greek woman 2English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarianwoman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 American men and 1American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish womanOne month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in themiddle of nowhere, the following things have occurred :One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together ina menage ŕ trois.The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when theyalternate with the German woman.The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman iscleaning and cooking for them.The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to theEnglish woman.The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one lookat the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, whilethe American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own,the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they cando, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division ofhousehold chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion andtreated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother isimproving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting forinstructions.The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and bysetting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in thepicture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters ofcoconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the Englishare not getting any!

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:-------------------------------------| Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 || Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 || Hand Job: $10.00 |-------------------------------------Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to thebar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondesserving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.''Yes?'' she inquires with a knowing smile, ''can I help you?''''I was wondering'', whispers the man, ''are you the one who gives the hand jobs?''''Yes,'' she purrs, ''I am.''The man replies ''Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!''

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Q:What protection does a nymphomaniac use during sex? A:A bus shelter.

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 pm news. The currentnews story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial.Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.Blonde: OK.(Back to newscast : He jumped!)Blonde: OK. I lost. Here's my $20 to you.Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.Blonde: I insist. I lost.Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the6:00pm news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet.Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump TWICE!.

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in).They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, ''OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one.''The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, ''Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!'' ''Fine,'' said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer.''Great move, Einstein'', said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. ''Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat.''

One day some guys were doing a survey between ''boxers'' or ''briefs''.They went to a 25 year old man and said ''boxers'' or ''briefs''? Hesaid briefs.They went to a 40 year old man and said ''boxers'' or ''briefs''? Hesaid boxers.Then they went up to a 80 year old man and said ''boxers'' or''briefs''? And the old man replied - ''depends?''

Q.What do you call a buncha Blondes in a freezer???A. Frosted Flakes

What does the left leg of a nymphomaniac say to her right leg? Nothing, they have never met.

There was a hooker with a bunch of other hookers. The police came, and said for all of the girls to line up.The the hooker's gramma came and said ''Why are all of you girls lined up?''The girl didn't want her gramma to know what she did for a living so the girl said ''We're lined up to buy oranges''The police talked to every girl individually, and when they got to gramma the police said ''How do you do it, you're so old?!?''Gramma says - ''It's easy, just peel it down and suck it dry!''

Yo Mommas so fat that even Richard Simmons makes fun of her!!!!

You know how Princess Diana and Mother Theresa died around about the same time? Well they both went up to heaven. St. Peter met them at the entrance to the pearly gates. He said ''You both must show me something to prove your worth, going into heaven.''Mother Theresa went first. She walked up to St. Peter and lifted her habit and flashed her breasts at him.He said ''okay. Princess Di?''Princess Di smiled and walked over into the corner, did a squat and pissed. St. Peter gave it careful consideration.Finally he decided. ''Princess Di. You're in. Sorry Mother Theresa, but a Royal Flush, beats two of a kind!!!!!''

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. ''You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.''The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, ''What happened? Was the cord too long?''The first guy says, ''No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?''

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, ''Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?''''Well,'' says Sophie, ''when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his *right* leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his *left* leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash.''''What if he has an erection?'' asks one of the women.''Honey,'' says Sophie, ''on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*!''

One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearsegoing down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by aman walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200men walking in single file.Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse andasked who was in the first one. ''My wife,'' the man replied.''I'm sorry,'' said Dave. ''What happened to her?''''My dog bit her and she died.''Dave was taken aback. ''And who's in the second hearse?''''My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well.''Dave asked, ''Can I borrow your dog?''''Get in line.''

How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?Footprints in the butter!