Newest jokes

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?Nothing, somebody already told her twice!!!!

Anna's mother has 3 kids... the youngest daughter's name is Penny... the middle daughter's name is Nickel....... What is the oldest daughter's name?You think you know it???Aww.. a smart one you are! You were probably thinking her name was Dime.... but if you were really smart you would know that the oldest daughters name is Anna!!!

3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.The first said, ''The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it's got such big jowls. One bite and your gone.''The second shook his head and said ''Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain't nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone.''The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, '' No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator.''The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.The gentleman slowly began to explain, '' A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an 'gator head on the other''''WAIT ! interrupted the others, ''If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?''The reply was simply,'' He don't, that's what makes him so mean''.

Did you hear about the new computer virus?It's called the ''Lorena Bobbit Virus''.Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy!

What did the lion say when he saw two hunters in a jeep?Meals on Wheels!

A woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school.She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast.''No,'' the son replies. ''I don't wanna go to school!''''You HAVE to go to school,'' the mother scolds.''No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers don't like me, and the lunches are icky.''''You WILL go to school, young man,'' the mother warns.''Why? Why do I have to go to school today?'' the son asks.The mother is about to lose her patience.''Because you're the principal, now get out of bed!''

What is the difference between the Titantic and Bill Clinton?They know how many people went down on the Titantic!!

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.Her friend saw this and said, ''Hey that's a good idea!What is it that you put over your cigarette?''The other old lady said, ''It's a condom.''''A condom? Where do you get those?''The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, ''What size do you want?''''One that would fit a Camel.''

A drunk stumbles into a confessional.The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall.The drunk says, ''Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either!''

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch. He walks up to it and sees ''Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue.'' He doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading: ''Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here.'' So he does.Up pops a screen which reads, ''Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you.'' The fields include ''Name,'' ''Date of birth,'' ''Date of death,'' and ''Favorite Food.''The man enters his name and date of birth, and clicks ''Submit.''Up pops another screen which reads, ''We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?'' So the man clicks the button marked ''Yes.''A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the man spends some time filling it out. Then he clicks the ''Submit'' button.Now he is faced with a screen reading, ''We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable; please try again later.'' There is a button marked ''Back.'' He clicks it.A new page appears. It reads, ''Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue...''

President Clinton was seen walking around the White House one day recently. Laying across one shoulder was a pair of ladies nylon panties.Nervously one White House Aide approach the President and asked about the panties.''Oh those,'' Replied the President, ''I'm trying to quit. That's the patch.''

I put a blank cassette tape in my tape stereo last night and turnedthe volume all the way up....the mime next door went nuts!

There is a drunk driver. He goes and hits a car with a woman driving it. Whos fault is it?The Woman's, she should of never left the kitchen!

How do you make a Kleenex dance? But a little boogie in it.

So ,this penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman ''have you seen my brother?''... and the barman says ''I don't know, what does he look like?'' (ba-dum-tish)

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of ''yes/no'' type questions.She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.''I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers!''

Knock Knock Who's there? Ida Ida who? Ida know.

I had skylights installed at my place the other day...the peoplethat live upstairs are really mad!

Q: What do a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?A: Either way somebody loses a trailer home!You know you're a redneck if your wife wants to take a bath but you have to move the transmision from the tub first.You know you're a red neck when you go to family reunions to pick up chicks!If you've been married three times and your in-laws aint changed then you might just be a redneck.If a sign reads say no to crack and you pull up your pants then you might just be a redneck.You know you are redneck when you mow your lawn and find a car.You know you are redneck when your favorite shirt is illegal in more then 15 states.You know you are redneck when you shut your car door and your gun makes you a sun-roof.You know you are redneck when your friends go water skiing while you are towing your boat to the lake.You might be a redneck if your exhaust system incorporates more than three wire hangers and at least two juice cans.You might be a redneck if you think ''fat-free'' means undoing your belt and the first 3 buttons.You know you're a redneck when you think marriage vows are what your father-in-law promised to do to you if you didn't marry his daughter.You might be a redneck if an intimate evening at home consists of sharing the remote.You might be a redneck if it's easier to rotate your home than your TV antenna.You might be a redneck if you use old newspapers in more than 3 ways in your home.You know you're a redneck if you stare at the Orange Juice container because it says ''Concentrate.'' You know you're a redneck when some one yells ''hoe down'' and your wife drops to the floor!You might be a redneck if you can relate to the following statements:1) ''Nothing says lovin' like lovin’ your cousin!'' 2) ''Why go across town when you can go across the hall?''3) ''If you can't keep it in the pants then keep it in the family.'' You know you're a redneck when your family tree is a wreath.You know your a redneck when your town priest is also your town plummer.You know you're a redneck when you're front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.You have a home that is mobil and 14 cars that aren't.You know you're a redneck when you have seven cars in your driveway, but only one works.What was the last thing the redneck said before he died?''Hey y'all, watch this!''You know your a redneck if your Thanksgiving turkey was once a family pet!You might be a redneck if you wear cowboy boots with shorts.

A black guy and a puerto rican guy are both in a car...who's driving?A Cop!!!