Newest jokes

After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conferenceand announced that they had a very successful conference and hadagreed on about 60% of what they discussed.When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: ''The Tencommandments.''

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.''How am I doing?'' He asks.''Three knots,'' she replies. ''Three knots? What's that mean?''''You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back.''

A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she decided to find a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself.Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards. Out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg.The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. Her doctor walked into her room laughing his head off. He said,''You're not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain!So, how did you break YOUR leg??''

Why was Tigger lickin' the toilet?Cause he was lookin' for Pooh!

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah, was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet ''God''.''Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here'' God said to her. ''Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slide down the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUT DON'T Step on the ducks'' God said. ''We love and cherish ducks here''.So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OPPS! She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous man pops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her life with him.Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and God tells her the same thing. ''Do whatever you want, just DON'T step on the ducks''. So, Olivia goes on her way and OPPS! She steps on a duck. And she, too has to spend the rest of her life with a ugly, hideous man.The last friend, Jenn, goes to meet and God and he tells her the same thing. ''DON'T STEP on the ducks''.Finally, a few weeks lateer, Olivia and Sarah are with their ugly men and they run into Jenn. And Jenn is with the most gorgeous guy that anyone had seen.''How did you get so lucky and have such a hot guy''? Sarah asked her.And the gorgeous guy looks up and says ''I stepped on a Duck''!

A wealthy young Wall Street stockbroker was admiring his physique nude before the mirror one day. The picture was perfectly toned and buffed except for the lack of a tan. So, he flew to California for the weekend to get a tan.Back in his luxurious New York condo, he stripped bare to get another look at his own great beauty. He was shocked to see that he had a little white triangle in a strategic location. Well, that just wouldn't do!The next weekend, he flew back to his favorite beach in California. He found a secluded, quiet spot and stripped off his attire and laid down on the sand. Then he proceeded to cover up all his body with the sand, except for the part that was a tiny white triangle. He soon relaxed and fell asleep.While he napped, two elderly ladies came slowly along the water's edge, clinging to each other and their canes for support. When they saw the strange thing planted in the sand, one lady turned to the other and said, ''Eloise, when I was 20, I was scared of it.When I was 40, I couldn't get enough of it.When I was 60, I had to pay for it.And now that I'm 80, I find it growing wild!''

There was a blonde driving a ferrari. A cop pulls her over forspeeding, the cop asks,'' can I see your license and registrationplease!''The blonde responds, ''license and registration what is that?''The cop respnds,'' you will find your license in your purse andregistration in your glove compartment.''The cop gets the license and registration and goes back to the car,and he calls dispatcher and reports it. The dispatcher replies,''this wouldnt be a blonde in a ferrari would it?'' The cop replies,''yes it is.'' The dispatcher says, ''go back to her car and drop yourpants.''The cop responds back,''I cant do that!'' The dispatcher says, ''trustme, just do it!'' then the cop replies,''ok whatever you say!''So he walks back to her car, and drops his pants. The blonde turnsaround and says, ''oh no, not another breathalizer test!''

When God created the earth, Adam & Eve, he found he had two baubles left over. He came to Adam & Eve & said, ''I have two things left. One is the gift to piss while standing up.''Adam got very excited: ''Oh, that would be so great, I would really like that. If I'm out in the fields, I can just go right there.''So Eve smiled & said, ''Okay, it sounds like he really wants that.'' As Adam tried out his new gift, he asked out of curiousity, ''What was the other gift?''''Oh,'' God said, looking, ''Multiple orgasms.''

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.''I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,'' he announced. ''Will the laziest man please put his hand up.''Nine hands went up.''Why didn't you put your hand up?'' he asked the tenth man.''Too much trouble,'' came the reply.

Q: What did the black baby say to its mother when it had diarrhea? A: ''Mommy, I'm melting!!!''

Little miss muffet... sat on her tuffet... eating her kurds and way.Along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and said: ''hey, whatsin the bowl bitch?!''

A young English woman, Polly Martin, met and fell in love with a Yank during WWII. He was a reporter and battlefield artist attached to the military. His name was Wally Woodword and whenever there was any battlefield action Wally would make quick sketches on the front lines which he would later turn into proper drawings from which he wrote his reports.Now, Polly and her friend Susan worked for the Ministry of Defense as did many young English women and the department they worked in was one that allowed them to know a lot of interesting information - including the exact date of the Normandy Invasion.The day before the invasion Polly was telling Susan that she planned to spirit her reporter boyfriend away next day and take him on a picnic out in the country.''But, you can't do that,'' Susan replied. ''Why not?'' Her friend asked.''Polly, Wally doodles all D-Day!''

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

What's the longest word? Smiles! Why? Because it has a mile in it!

There's this guy and he lives in the second largest state in America, which is California, and he want's to live in the largest state of America which is Alaska.So he goes there for a few weeks and decides he wants to become a fully-fledged Alskan, so he goes in this pub to ask a bar man what he has to do to become a fully fledged Alaskan.The barnabs say's ''First you drink this liter of whisky, then you've got to kill a bear, and find a woman and rape her.''The guy gets confused, so he asked the barman to repeat it.He comes back a week later beaten to shit.''What happened to you?'' said the barman.''I'm nearly a fully fledged alaskan, all I gotta do now is kill a woman''!

Yo mamma's so stupid she got trapped in a bathroom and wet her pants!

What kind of cereal do cats eat? Mice Crispies!

One night, a cabby picked up a nun. While he was driving, the cabby suddenly started to laugh insanely.''Why are you laughing?'' Asked the nun.''Oh, It's nothing.'' said the cabby.''No, really.'' said the nun ''I won't mind.''So the Cabby told her:''Well, It's really silly but I've always had this fantasy of having a blow job done by a nun.''''Well then, whats your name?'' The nun asked''Robert''''Are you married?''''No.''''Are you christian?''''Yes.''''Then Pull into the next alley.''The cabby was stunned. but he didn't want to give up this chance so he pulled into the next alley. When they were finished, they returned to the cab.While driving, the cabby started to cry.''Why are you crying?'' asked the nun''I'm sorry, I've lied.''''How so?''''Well, My name is David, I have a wife and three children, and I'm Jewish.''''Well, I've done a bit of lying too...'' smiled the nun ''My name is George and I'm going to a costume party.''

One night, at a party, The host asked his guests:''How many here believe in ghosts?'' Everyone put up their hand.''How many have seen ghosts?''A lot of people put up their hand.''How many have touched a ghost?''Five people put up their hands''How many have had sex with a ghost?''One person put up their hand.''Well then,'' said the host, ''why don't you come up here and tell us all about it.''The man walked up.''So, how was your night with the ghost?'' asked the host.''Ghost?'' Said the man, ''Sorry, I thought you said goat.''

Your momma so stupid, when I told her it was chilly outside she ran out with a spoon!