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Náhodný vtip

Styri blondínky sa hádajú v aute, ktorá bude sediet pri okne.

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A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've kidnapped you.''She then wrote a note saying, ''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde''.The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,''How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?''

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What do the Pope and the Rams both appearing in the St. Louis Trans World Dome have in common?They both feature 3 million people saying 'Jesus Christ!'

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Always give 100% at work.......12% on Monday23% on Tuesday40% on Wednesday20% on Thursday5% on FridaysAnd remember .......When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.Now get back to work!

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Stallone, Tony Danza ,and Arnold Swarzanagger are all going to be in a musical about famous composers.Stallone wants to be Mozart, Danza says he'll be Bethoven, and Swarzanagger says ''I'll be Bach!''

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There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really ,really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the side, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much.So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said........''Not very freakin' strong tonight, are you Batman!''

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There's this young couple, Louise and Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on,but each night she is disappointed.Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties and bra.As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11 pm (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Louise re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Al's first words are, ''Right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom.''''YES!'' she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, ''This is the night, I'm gonna get some!''When Louise reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace panties - ready for Al, as he stomps up the stairs. As Al pushes the bedroom door open he says, ''Right, now get your clothes off!''Louise doesn't need telling twice, it's off with everything. ''Now get over in front of the mirror..,''''Kinky!'' she thinks. ''Great!''''and do a handstand...''''Oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages,'' thinks Louise...Al walks over to Louise, parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch... ''Perhaps the guys at the bar were right, a beard would suit me!''

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A priest and a Nun were lost in the desert, riding on a camel. All of a sudden, the camel dies, and their only transportation is gone.The nun and the Priest are now doomed to die, and they decide to just sit and talk and confess some things...during their conversations, they come across the subject of sex.The Nun then shyly speaks, ''I am a virgin, and have never seen what is between a man's legs''. So the Priest, being pretty confident about his size, whips it out, and tells her, ''This is a tool...the tool that gives life''.The nun thinks for awhile, and says - ''well then Mr, how about you shove that thing up that dead camel's ass!''

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Why do bald men have holes in their trouser pockets? So they can runtheir fingers through their hair!

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Q: Why did God give women legs? A: So that they wouldn't leave tracks like snails!

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Why do the Vikings play in a Dome?Because even God can't stand to watch!

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Your Momma's so fat, the National Weather service had to label her body parts!

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Degrees (Fahrenheit)* 65 degrees:Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night* 60 degrees:Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)* 50 degrees:Miami residents turn on the heat* 45 degrees:Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts* 40 degrees:You can see your breathCalifornians shiver uncontrollablyMinnesotans go swimming* 35 degrees:Italian cars don't start* 32 degrees:Water freezes* 30 degrees:You plan your vacation to Australia* 25 degrees:Ohio water freezesCalifornians weep pitiablyMinnesotans eat ice creamCanadians go swimming* 20 degrees:Politicians begin to talk about the homelessNew York City water freezesMiami residents plan vacation further South* 15 degrees:French cars don't startCat insists on sleeping in your bed with you* 10 degrees:You need jumper cables to get the car going* 5 degrees:American cars don't start* 0 degrees:Alaskans put on T-shirts* -10 degrees:German cars don't startEyes freeze shut when you blink* -15 degrees:You can cut your breath and use it to build an iglooArkansans stick tongue on metal objectsMiami residents cease to exist* -20 degrees:Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with youPoliticians actually do something about the homelessMinnesotans shovel snow off roofJapanese cars don't start* -25 degrees:Too cold to thinkYou need jumper cables to get the driver going* -30 degrees:You plan a two week hot bathSwedish cars don't start* -40 degrees:Californians disappearMinnesotans button top buttonCanadians put on sweatersYour cat helps you plan your trip South* -50 degrees:Congressional hot air freezesAlaskans close the bathroom window* -80 degrees:Hell freezes overPolar bears move SouthViking Fans order hot cocoa at the game* -90 degrees:Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets!

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Q. What goes 99 click? A. A centipede with a wooden leg.

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Why was the bee flying around with his legs crossed? He couldn't find a BP station!

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Windows-A danger zone for Fido. Modem-A good way to get rid ofweeds. Mouse-Something the cat chases.

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What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

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Why did the rabbit cross the road? Chicken's day off!

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There was a brunette, a blonde, and a redhead and they were in the third grade. Who had the biggest tits?The blonde, because she was18.

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You've all seen the sentimental MasterCard commercials. Well, finally there is a MasterCard commercial targeted just for men:(No offense ladies - just enjoy it for what it's worth)Cover charge:$15.00Round of drinks:23.00Table dance:$30.00Another round of drinks:$23.00Couch dance and tips:$50.00A round of shots:$34.00Private dance in your hotel room:$300.00Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:''PRICELESS!''There are some things that money can't buy.For everything else, there's MasterCard.

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In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system. Please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for Help. With your co-operation we should be able to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution.COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM1. Describe your problem:______________________________________________________2. Now, describe the problem accurately:______________________________________________________3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________-_________________________4. Problem Severity:A. Minor__B. Minor__C. Minor__D. Trivial__5. Nature of the problem:A. Locked Up__B. Frozen__C. Hung__D. Shot__6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__9. Have you made it worse? Yes__10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__14. If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?______________________________________________________15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?______________________________________________________16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problemoccurred?______________________________________________________17. If 'nothing' explain why you were logged in.______________________________________________________18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__19. How does this problem make you feel?_____________________________________________________20. Tell me about your childhood._____________________________________________________21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

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