Newest jokes

Yo mamma's so nasty, I was havin phone sex with her and I got an ear infection!

A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for each member of his staff as a New Years gift, was so alarmed when all 50 of them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp post, a newspaper said Thursday.The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the accident happened, the Fakty daily reported.''With no more than 100 meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly burst out screeching.The businessman's fright was such that he simply let go of the steering wheel and the car ploughed into a lamp post.''After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned his attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read: ''Congratulations on a successful purchase!''

A hospital patient, recovering from minor surgery, was being given an alcohol rubdown by two of the hospital's more attractive nurses.While manipulating the man's body they noted that the word ''tiny'' was tattooed on the head of his penis.Some months after the man's discharge, Mary, one of the nurses, tod Joan, the other, that she had dated their former patient.''How could you go out with a man that had 'tiny' tattooed on his love stick?'' exclaimed Joan.''How could I indeed!'' said Mary. ''It said 'tiny' when it was soft, but when aroused, it spelled:'Tiny's Delicatessen & Catering Service. We deliver at all times, twenty-four hours a day!!!'''

Hey bob,''Will you rember me tomorrow??'' ''Yes'' ''Will you rember me next week??'' ''Yes'' ''Will you rember me next month??'' ''Yes'' ''Will yoiu rember me next year??'' ''Yeah'' ''Knock Knock'' ''Whos There??'' ''See, you forgot me already!!!!!!''

Four nuns are driving to market and get hit by a drunk driver and all four nuns die. They get in line to go through pearly gates and wait for St. Peter to admit them.St. Peter goes to the nuns and says ''I realize that you are sisters of the cloth, but I must ask you if you have anything to report to me that might be a sin.''The sisters thought for a while and the first nun went to St. Peter. ''I once touched a man's penis with this finger''. St. Peter thought for a while and said. ''I'm sure it was in the line of duty; Place your finger in that holy water and swirl it around.'' She did as she was instructed and ''PING'' she was in.The second nun went to St. Peter and said, ''I once touched a man's genitals with my entire right hand.'' Again St. Peter thought for a while and said, ''I'm sure it was within your duties; Swirl your hand in that holy water and go in.'' The second nun did as she was instructed and ''ping'' she was in.All of a sudden the 4th nun jumped in front of the 3rd nun. St. Peter was really confused by this. ''How come you cut in front of Sister?''The 4th nun replied, ''I just wanted to know if I could gargle with that holy water before she soaked her ass in it!''

5-year-old Nicholas was sitting on a department store Santa's lap and told him, ''My name's the same as yours.''Santa's helper blows his cover when he says, ''Well, hello, Harold!''

Baby Jim: Mommy, does God use our toilet?Mom: No Jim, what made you ask?Baby: Every morning, Daddy goes up to the toilet and says: ''Oh God! Are you still in there!

At the edge of the forest there was a somewhat mediocre wizard. He is there to help the animals of the forest with some of their daily problems. One day a toad hops in.The toad says ''Oh wizard, please help me. I was born with a yellow penis.''''I've told you animals, I can't help you with any big problems,'' responds the wizard. ''You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz.''So the toad hops off on his merry little way. But in not too long an elephant enters the wizards pad.''Oh wizard,'' the elephant begins, ''please help me. I was born without a trunk.''Now the wizard is infuriated. ''Don't you stupid animals ever listen!!! Take your damn big problems to the wizard of Oz!''The elephant responds ''But, wizard how do I get to the Wizard of Oz?''''Oh that's easy,'' says the wizard. ''Just follow the yellow dicked toad!''

Q: What's the difference between the dinosaur and a dragon...?A: Dinosaurs are too young to SMOKE!

Q. Why are Australians like kiwifruit?A. Because they are rough on the outside, green on the inside..... and too many of them will give you the shits!

You're in a room with no doors and no windows, and all you have is a baseball bat. How do you get out?Strike 1! Strike 2! Strike 3!You're out!

A neutron walks into a bar, and asks for a drink.The bartender serves it up, and the neutron asks, ''Hey - how much?''Bartender replies, ''For you - no charge!''

In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- ''THINK!''The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- ''THOAP!''

How did Moses part the Red Sea?With a seesaw!

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.''Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you.''''No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!''

Can You name 3 Cars that start with P?Nope, they all start with Gas!

Heard about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse!

An Ancient Greek man walks into a tailor and holds up a torn tunic. TAYLOR: ''Euripides?'' (You-rip-e-dees) MAN: ''Eumenedes??'' (You-men-e-dees)(Say it quickly, it works!)

If there was an animal called Yabba Dabba, and if you decided keep it as a pet it your back yard, you will eventually step in Yabba Dabba Doo!

What do you call a dead athiest?All dressed up and no place to go!