Newest jokes

Neighbors had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes until 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close.Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01:55, time for the old drunks to start leaving. If he hadn't been assigned this crap detail he'd be down at the I-80 Truck stop about now having a nice hot cup of coffee. Redding pulled out a cigarette and was about to light up when the door of the pub slammed open and an old geezer stumbled out. Redding put the smoke back in the pack; he was ''on point'' now.The old man stumbled around, fished his car keys out of his pocket, dropped them a couple of times, finally found them and weaved down the sidewalk and across the road to his car.Redding started his engine, watching carefully as the old man fumbled to unlock his door. Other patrons leaving the pub seemed a little tipsy, but nothing like the old goat trying to get into his car. As soon as the old man's car started to pull away from the curb, Redding was on him like a hound on a bone, siren, redlights and loudspeaker. Redding wanted these complaining neighbors to know the city was doing it's job.''Outta the car, old man!'' demanded Redding. ''But officer, I haven't had anything to drink!'' complained the old boy. ''Sure, you haven't, oldtimer, sure you haven't'', replied Redding as he put the cuffs on the old guy and hauled him downtown.At the station, the old man blew into the breathalyzer and the needle didn't move. ''What the...YOU haven't been drinking, old timer!''But that's what I tried to tell you back there, officer!'' ''Well then why were you stumbling all over the place?'' asked Redding. ''Well, officer, tonight when we all got to the pub, they elected me to be the 'designated drunk' when the place closed down!''

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.The old woman said, ''We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.'' ''Uh huh,'' said the old man.''We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon,'' said the old woman. ''Uh huh,'' said the old man.''And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon,'' said the oldwoman. ''That's right,'' said the old man, ''except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'''

What is the difference between 'like' and 'love'? Answer: spit and swallow!

The phrase ''rule of thumb'' is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

Q: Bill & Hilary Clinton are on a sinking ship, who gets saved? A: The nation!

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.The boy asked his father, ''What is this, Father?'' The father [never having seen an elevator] responded ''Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.''While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.The father yells to his son, ''Hurry boy - go get your mother!''

To: All Male U.S. Citizens From: I.R.S. Service Center Re: Notice of increase in tax payments The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts.Effective January 1, 1998 your penis will be taxed according to size.------- The categories are as follows: ------- 10 - 12 inches.......Luxury Tax $30.00 8 -10...............Pole Tax $25.00 5 -8................Privilege Tax $15.00 4 -5................Nuisance Tax $3.00Males exceeding 12'' must file a capital gains return. NOTE: Anyone under 4'' is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION! Sincerely, Pecker Checker I.R.S

What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? SWIMMING TRUNKS !!!

A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: ''The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday...''

Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asked Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'?''Darla says, ''d-u-m-b, dumb.''The teacher says, ''Very good. Now use it in a sentence.''She responds, ''Buckwheat is dumb.''''Now spell 'stupid'.''Darla says, ''s-t-u-p-i-d.''The teacher says, ''Very good. Now use it in a sentence.''Darla says, ''Buckwheat is stupid.''Then the teacher call on Buckwheat and asks, ''Buckwheat, spell dictate.''Buckwheat stands up and says, ''d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.''The teacher says, ''Very good. Now use it in the a sentence.'' ''I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!''

Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed.So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says ''I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring... it was so wonderful.''James said ''Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day.''Ron was so jealous ''Your day was so much better than mine... did you get a blow job?''''Nope'' James replied, ''I couldn't find her head!''

A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve snails' and throws him out.A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says... 'What did you do that for!'

A man has a car wreck and they have to amputate his brain.So the nurse takes him to the brain transplant wearhouse.On one side of the shelves are lined with brains marked $500.00 each. On the other side the shelves are lined with brains marked $200.00 each.The brainless man asks why the price differece.The nurse points to the $200.00 brains and explains that these are female brains, so they've been used.

The Madam opens the brothel door to see an elderly man standing in the doorway. His clothes are all dishevelled and he looks...well, ''needy''. ''Can I help you?'' the Madam asks. ''I want Natalie'', the old man replies. ''Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else...?''''No. I want Natalie.''Just then, Natalie appears and tells the old man that she charges $ 1,000 per hour. Without so much as a blink he reaches into his pocket and pulls out ten crisp new $ 100 bills. The two go up to her room for an hour, whereupon he calmly leaves.The next night the old man appears again demanding Natalie. Natalie explains that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, that there are no discounts and that the rate is still $ 1,000 for one hour. But once again, he takes out the money. The two go up to the room and he calmly leaves an hour later.When he shows up for the third consecutive night, no one can believe it. Again he hands Natalie the money and up to the room, they go. At the end of the hour, Natalie decides to question the old man. ''I'm not used to having the same customer come back three nights in a row. Do you mind if I ask where you're from?''''I am from Minsk.''''Really'', replies Natalie ''I have a sister who lives there.''''I know'', says the old man. ''She gave me $ 3,000 to give to you.''

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother ''How old are you?'' Mommy says ''Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life.''The girl then asks, ''Mommy, how much do you weigh?'' Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up.''The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, ''Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?'' Mommy says, ''Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now.''The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, ''All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything.''The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, ''Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.'' Her mommy is very shocked! She asks ''Sweetheart how did you do that?''The girl shrugs and says, ''I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds.'' The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, ''Where did you learn that?''The little girl says, ''I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex!''

A chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking. A few days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'No, I think I can stand over the hole'. So he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said, 'grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up'. So the chicken grabbed hold of the horse's ''thingy'' and pulled herself to safety.The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!

Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.Form a loose grip.Keep your head down.Avoid a quick backswing.Stay out of the water.Try not to hit anyone.If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.Don't stand directly in front of others.Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.Don't take extra strokes.

How do you make 5 lbs. of fat attractive? Put a nipple on it.

A man and a woman were in 2 different cars. The man was going up the mountainside. The woman was going down the mountainside. Then the woman yells out - ''Pig!''. The man then yells back - ''Hoe!'' They both continue on, until the man smashes his car into a pig!

A blonde walks into an electronics store and points to something behind the clerk.''How much is that television set?'' she asks.''Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,'' the clerk said.So, the girl walks out. The next day, she returns wearing a brown wig. She again approaches the clerk and asks ''How much is that television set behind you?''The clerk replies, ''Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.''Again, the girl walks out.She again tries the next day, this time wearing a red wig. She goes up to the clerk and asks ''How much is that television set behind you?'' The clerk again replies, ''We don't sell to blondes!''Well, the girl was kind of suspicious.She asks carefully, ''How do you know I'm a blond?''The clerk looks at the girl and says...''Because that's not a television, it's a microwave!''