Newest jokes

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, ''I'll take him and him and him!''

If you get caught sleeping on the job, here's some quick excuses!It's okay...I'm still billing the client.''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.I was working smarter, not harder.''Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper''''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!''This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !I was testing the keyboard for drool resistanceI'm in the management training programActually doing a ''Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan'' (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?''Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.The coffee machine is broke....Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?I was cross-training for telecommuting.Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.I thought you(boss) were gone for the day.

If Dear Abby Was A Man...Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and on't mention this aspect of his behaviour.Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q. Where do the Ku Klux Klan buy there sh-sh-sheets? A. At the k-k-k Mart.

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have ''Friskies Fish n' Glop'' on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, ''I love kitties,'' be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, ''But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here.'' Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering: A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled. B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded.

The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, ''DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?'' you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump.Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say ''Where are the curtains?

There's this couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and he said, ''Oh come on, just a feel.''She said, ''No, I'm saving myself for marriage.''They went back and forth. He said, ''Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel.''She finally agreed, ''Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage.''So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, ''Can't we please?''She of course states, ''NO, I'm saving myself for marriage.''He says, ''Please, please?'' and she says, ''No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage.''He says, ''How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?''She says, ''No way, I'm saving myself for marriage.''He begs and pleads with her, ''I promise, just the tip, no more,and we'll stop after that.''She finally gives in, ''Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all.''He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he's so hot and ready that he can't control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, ''OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!''A little stunned, he says, ''NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!''

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, ''What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?'' The dog answers ''ROOF.'' The bartender says, ''Who are you kidding? I'm not paying.''The dogs owner says, ''How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else.''The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, ''Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?'' The dog answers with a muffled ''RUTH.''With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says, ''DiMaggio?''

What's the difference between a womens track team and a tribe of pigmee's?The pigmee's are a bunch of cunning runts.

How do you get a blond out of a tree? WaveHow do you drown a blond? Stick a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the toliet and tell her to sniff.What is the diference between a blond and a mosquito? A mosquito knows when to stop sucking.When can you tell witch cars a blond's car? The stick shift is wet.

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, ''Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?''Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible?Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can't explain. Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can't explain.Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can't explain.Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain.

TOP 10 REASONS FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX....10. LASTS FROM DAWN TILL DUSK9. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SECRET HOLE8. ALLOWED SEVERAL FISH DAILY7. CAN CHOOSE THE LENGTH OF YOUR ROD6. CAN FISH ANY TIME OF THE MONTH5. YOU CLEAN IT BEFORE YOU EAT IT4. ABLE TO TAKE A NAP WHILE YOU FISH3. THE COST OF BAIT IS CHEAPER THAN A DATE2. YOU CAN ALWAYS THROW IT BACK1. YOUR FAVORITE CATCH CAN BE MOUNTED ON THE WALL

What is a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

A man and his wife were at the breakfast table when he suddenly remembered that it was their 50th Anniversary.''Guess what, darling,'' he said, ''Fifty years ago today you and I were wed.''''And we ate our first honeymoon breakfast at this very table,'' she said.''We were naked as jaybirds, remember?'' he blushed. ''Oh yes,'' she giggled, 'Why don't we take off our clothes right now?'' ''All right.''They stripped to the buff and stared at one another across the table.''Oooh, darling,'' she said, ''My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.''''No wonder,'' he said, ''One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!''

A little boy asked his father, ''Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'' And the father replied, ''I don't know son, I'm still paying!'' ~~~ First guy (proudly): ''My wife's an angel!'' Second guy: ''You're lucky, mine's still alive.''

Four words guaranted to destroy a man's ego:''Is it in yet?''

There once was a man named Dave,who found a dead whore in a cave.She was ugly as shitand missing one tit,but think of the money he saved!

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with...The other is used to carry groceries.

My brother-in-law goes into a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. He looks on the side of his cup and finds a peel off prize. He pulls off the tab and yells, ''I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!''The waitress runs over and says, ''That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!''My brother-in-law replies, ''No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!''By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, ''You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we don't have that as a prize!''Once again, my brother in-law says, ''No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!''The manager grabs the prize ticket and reads, ''WIN A BAGEL.''

Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing the first cloud he met a stinky, unattractive woman who said, ''Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.''Jack chose to climb the ladder.At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said, ''Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.'' Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder some more.At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said, ''Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.'' Things were getting better the higher he got, so Jack chose to climb the ladder even more.At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the Universe. She looked at him seductively and begged, ''Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.'' Jack was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but still, he climbed the ladder to success.At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 500lb naked man with a pimply penis grabbed him. Jack asked, ''Who are you?''To which he replied, ''Oh, I'm Cess''!