Newest jokes

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who`s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.Saint Peter addresses this guy, ''Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?''The guy replies, ''I`m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.''Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, ''Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.''The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it`s the minister`s turn. He stands erect and booms out, ''I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary`s for the last forty-three years.''Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, ''Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.''''Just a minute,'' says the minister. ''That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?''''Up here, we work by results,'' says Saint Peter. ''While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.''

What did you learn in school today?
Not
enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

Mother: How was your first
day at
school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called ''Teacher'' who kept

spoiling all our fun!

Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead

Sea?
Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!

Father: How were the
exam
questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions
didn't give me any trouble, just the
answers!

Why did the whale cross the road ?

To get to the other tide !

Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes in a basement? A: A whine cellar

A blonde was playing Trivia Pursuit and was asked if she was in a vacuum and someone called out her name, would she hear it?She thought and answered..''is it on or off?''

Question: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?Answer: Just one ... but the lightbulb has to REALLY want to change!

Q: What's the difference between a faggot and a queer?A: A faggot won't go downtown with you to beat up queers!

How do you get four elephants into a Mini?Two in the front, two in the back.

Mr. Goldfarb was walking down the street. In each arm he carried a bag. He ran into Mr. Klein. Mr. Klein asked, ''What are those bags for?''''I'm collecting for Israel'', said Mr. Goldfarb.''You need two bags?'', asked Mr. Klein.''I've got a system, said Mr. Goldfarb. It's fantastic. I go into the men's room. I pull out a knife and hold it up. Then I say, 'Give for Israel or get a circumcision.' It works. I have forty thousand dollars in this bag.''What do you have in the other bag?'', inquired Mr. Klein.''Oh, well, not everybody gives.''

Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them picked up two huge potatoes and said ''These potatoes remind me of Emil's balls''''Are they that big?'' asked the other.''No they're this dirty.''

There's these four Irishmen in a bar, all drinking Guinness. One of them is looking rather puzzled, so another turns to him and asks him what's the matter.1st Irishman: Well, I was just trying to remember what 2 plus 2 is.2nd Irishman: Oh, that's easy, it's 147.1st Irishman: No no no, that can't be right. How about you, Fergus, do you know what 2 plus 2 is?3rd Irishman: Hmmm ... could it be Wednesday, perhaps?1st Irishman: No no no, that doesn't sound right either. How about you Pat, do you know?4th Irishman: Simple, the answer is 4.1st Irishman: Of course! How did you work it out?!4th Irishman: Aha, that's where brains come in! I subtracted 147 from Wednesday!

Q: How does Stan Collymore change a
lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

Men are like bank accounts.

Without a lot
of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like
lava lamps.

Fun to look
at, but not very bright.

Men are like copiers.

You need them for
reproduction, but that's about it.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, ''Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?''The rabbit says, ''No, of course not!''So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?A: You only have to teach them to take off!