Novacikom na vojne vysvetluju standartne postupy supavania sa na bojisku. Jeden je zvedavy aky je postup ak stupi na minu. Prednasajuci kapitan mu odpoveda : Zo vsetkeho najskor zachovaj pokoj a nerob paniku, potom vyskocis asi meter do vzduchu a plynulo sa rozptylis po okoli.

Na Immigration office pri vyplnani formulara: Dostojnik: - Sex? Ziadatel: - Ano, kazdy den... Dostojnik: Nie, nie, nie... Muz alebo Zena? Ziadatel : Na tom nezalezi...

Anglicka jednotka sa utaborila na brehu rieky v hlbokej dzungli. Vojak poslany pre vodu sa obratem vratil. "Pane," hlasi velitelovi, "v rieke je obrovsky krokodil, bojim sa nabrat vodu!" "Vojak," zahrmel dostojnik, "co to je za blbost! Ten krokodil sa vas boji 10x viac, nez vy jeho!" "To je mozne, pane. Ak sa vsak sa ten krokodil boji len z polovice ako ja, tak uz sa ta voda neda aj tak pit .."

Pride policajt do masiarstva a chce salamu. Predavacka mu vravi: "Mame, ale len tocenu" "To nevadi, ja mam v aute kanyster"

Zacala horiet policajna stanica. Policajti museli pred ohnom utiect az na strechu. Ked prisli hasici, roztiahli plachtu a policajti zacali po jednom skakat. Ale vzdy, ked policajt skocil, tak hasici s plachtou uhli, a strasne se smiali, ked sa policajt dole rozmazol na kasu. Az prisiel na radu nacelnik. Ten tusil podraz, tak vytiahol pistol, namieril na hasicov a vravi: "Mna neoblafnete! Ruky hore, plachtu na zem a vsetci tri kroky dozadu!"

Policajt stoji na krizovatke. Po chvili zastavi auto, ktore soferuje dievcina: Prekrocila ste rychlost, zaplatite pokutu. Viete, pan policajt, ja som vysokoskolacka a tento rok koncim. Budem zarabat a potom vam zaplatim. Tak sa aj stalo. O rok sa situacia opakuje s inym studentom: Prekrocil ste rychlost, zaplatite pokutu... Viete, ja som vysokoskolak a nemam peniaze, ale tento rok koncim a potom vam zaplatim. Mna nedobehnete. Vysokoskolaci koncili minuly rok.

You know you're not a kid anymore when...You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.You can live without sex, but not without glasses.Your back goes out more than you do.You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.You buy a compass for the dash of your car.You are proud of your lawn mower.Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.You call Olan Mills before they call you.Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.You sing along with the elevator music.You would rather go to work than stay home sick.You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.You make an appointment to see the dentist.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.Neighbors borrow your tools.People call at 9 pm and ask, ""did i wake you?""You have dreams about prunes.You answer a question with ""because i said so!""You send money to PBS.The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.You take a metal detector to the beach.You wear black socks with sandals.You know what the word ""equity"" means.You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.Your ears are hairier than your head.You talk about ""good grass"" and you're refering to someone's lawn.You get into a heated argument about pension plans.You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel ""old folks MTV.""You go bowling without drinking.You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

Q: What do John Elway, Art Modell, and O.J. Simpson all have in common? A: They all killed the Browns!

With all due respect, President Clinton was telling the truth when he said he was not having sex with that woman... Of course he was referring to Hillary!

There was this blonde girl who had gotten fed up with blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair black.So she did, and she was sooooo happy with it that she went to her car and drove around just to show off her new look. She was coming up to this intersection when she saw a shepeherd by the road waiting to cross with his flock of lambs. The girl stopped and waved him to pass.While the flock was crossing the road, she asked the shepherd - ""If I can guess how many sheep you got there, would you give me one?""He thought about the offer for a minute and decided it was ok. The girl looked at the flock and exclaimed ""487"". The shepherd said ""WOW! That's right...well...take any sheep you like...a deal's a deal""So she gets the animal and happily puts him in the back of her car, when the shepehrd says ""WAIT!Now I have a deal for you.... if I guess the real color of your hair can I have my dog back?""

Did ya hear about the blonde lesbian? She liked guys!

What do you call a blonde behind a stearingwheel? An airbag!