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Vybrane slovo po Q: q vycapu

Motto dna: Co z toho, ze zajtra bude lepsie, ked vzdy, ked sa rano zobudim, je dnes.

Pytaju sa policajta, ci uz bol Na Strbskom Plese. A on hovori: "Nie, ja chodim iba na hasicsky"

Napis na panskom WC: nehadzte nedopalky do pisoarov! Tou rukou, ktorou ich vyberam, vam capujem pivo!

V Kapskom Meste ide beloch na mercedese, ked zrazi cernocha. Ten sa pregula po kapote, preleti prednym sklom a ocitne sa v aute. Je z toho sud a cernoch je odsudeny na 2 roky za vlamanie. Po dvoch rokoch ide beloch zasa vo svojom mercedese a zrazu - ten isty cernoch. Beloch prida plyn a narazi do cernocha. Ten preleti prednym sklom, odrazi sa od sedadla a zadnym oknom vypadne na cestu. Ked ho prepustia z nemocnice, ide rovno pred sud, kde ho odsudia na 5 rokov za vlamanie a pokus o utek. Prejde 5 rokov, beloch sa opat vyvaza po meste a pozera - zasa ten prekliaty cernoch. Stlaci plynovy pedal az na podlahu a v plnej rychlosti vrazi do cernocha, ten preleti prednym sklom do auta a zadnym oknom vypadne na ulicu. Beloch dupne na brzdu, zastavi, pribehne k nemu a vrazi mu dyku do chrbta. Cernoch je odsudeny na 10 rokov za vlamanie, pokus o utek a nelegalne drzanie zbrane.

There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, ""wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!"" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, ""do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?"" and the bartender said to another person that was there, ""hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!""

Why do they have Feta cheese at a Greek wedding? To keep the flies off the bride!

One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word ""shit"". He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him ""coats and jackets"".Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word ""fucking"", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said ""cooking"".Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words ""bitches and hoes"". He went home and his father told him it meant ""grandpa and grandma"".Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over.Timmy answered the door with glee and says...""Hey bitches and hoes! I'll take your shit to the closet cause dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

To All Employees: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timecards that specify large amounts of ""Miscellaneous Unproductive Time"" (Code 5309). Note that unproductive time isn't a problem.What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting. Attached: Extended Job Code ListCode Number Explanation ---------- ----------- 5316 Useless Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5394 Blaming Incompetence of Coworker Who is Not a Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Timecard 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Scratching Yourself 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job 5601 Complaining About Low Pay 5602 Complaining About Long Hours 5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323) 5604 Complaining About Boss 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining 5701 Not Actually Present At Job 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods 6205 Hiding from Boss 6206 Gossip 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.) 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself 6211 Updating Resume 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter 6213 Out of Office on Interview 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603) 6602 Complaining 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring At Computer Screen 6615 Transcendental Meditation 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes) 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity 8000 Recreational Drug Use 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use 8002 Liquid Lunch 8100 Reading e-mail 8101 Distributing humorous e-mails

Tips on Love (by kids, 5-10 years of age):WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?? ""Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.""(Judy, 8)""Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife.""(Tom, 5)WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?? ""On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.""(Mike, 10)WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?? ""You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."" (Jim, 10)""Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.""(Kally, 9)THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?? ""It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them""(Lynette, 9)""It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble.""(Kenny, 7)CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE ""No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.""(Jan, 9)""I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful.""(Harlen, 8)ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE ""Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.""(Roger, 9) ""If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long.""(Leo, 7)ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE ""If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful.""(Jeanne, 8)""It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet.""(Gary, 7)""Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."" (Christine, 9)CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS ""They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them.""(Dave, 8)CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE ""I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Sesame Street' is on television.""(Anita,6)""Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."" (Bobby, 8)""I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."" (Regina, 10)THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER ""One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."" (Ava, 8)SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU ""Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."" (Del, 6)""Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."" (Alonzo, 9)""One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.""(Bart, 9)HOW CAN YOU TELL IF 2 ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? ""Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love.""(John, 9)""Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.""(Dave 8)""It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are... on fire."" (Christine, 9)WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY ""I LOVE YOU"" ""The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.""(Michelle, 9)HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS ""You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.""(Doug, 7)""It might help to watch soap operas all day."" (Carin, 9)WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? ""It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it.""(Jean, 10)HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE ""Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."" (Tom, 7) ""Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love."" (Roger, 8)""Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.""(Randy, 8)

Once there was this guy, and he was driving in his car, and all of a sudden, he sees the Easter Bunny hopping on the road. Well, he was going too fast, and he didn't hit the brakes in time, so he hit the Easter Bunny.He was really upset, and was thinking, ""Oh no, what about all those poor little kids?? What can I do!?"" Then, a blonde drove up in her car, and asked, ""What's wrong?"" ""I hit the Easter Bunny!!"" said the guy. ""Oh, I know what to do,"" said the blonde, and she went into her car, got a can, and sprayed the Easter Bunny with it.A few minutes later, the Easter Bunny got up, hopped a little bit, turned around and waved, hopped a little, turned around and waved, and it kept doing that. When the Easter Bunny was out of sight, the guy turned to the blonde and asked, ""Wow, I'm dying to know what was in that can!!""""Oh,"" said the blonde, ""It was hair spray. It says, 'Spray on dead hair for permanent wave.'""