Women Jokes 

A
fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding
night asks his mother, ''Mom,
why are wedding dresses
white?''

The mother looks at her son and replies, ''Son, this shows the town

that your bride is pure.''

The son thanks his mom, and then
seeks his father opinion, ''Dad, why
are wedding dresses
white?''

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, ''Son, all household

appliances come in white.''

Why did God invent shopping carts?
To teach
women how to walk on their hind legs.

Brother: What kind of sharks never eat women
?
Sister: Man-eating sharks.

Doctor Sawbones speaking. Oh, doctor, my

girlfriend's just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in, say, three

or four weeks' time?

What do you calll a woman that people sit on
?
Cher !

Women are like computers -- even your smallest
mistakes are
stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed?

To feed her nightmare.

Why did the women cross the road? Well thats

not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!

Why are women
such bad
drivers?

Because there is no road between the bedroom and the
bathroom.

Should I have a baby after 35?

No, 35
children is enough.

What Do you tell a woman with two black
eyes
?

Nothing, you told her twice.

What do you call a woman who has lost
95% of
her intelligence?
Divorced.

Why do women pay more attention to their
appearance than
to improving their minds?

Because most men are
stupid, but few are blind.

Teacher: Who was the
first woman on earth?

Fred: I don't know, Sir.
Teacher: Come on, Fred, it has
something to do with an apple.
Fred: Granny Smith?

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they
see a 5-story
hotel with a sign that reads, ''For Women Only.'' Since
they are without
their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go
in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. ''We
have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find
what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide
since each floor has
a sign telling you what's inside.''


They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, ''All the

men on this floor are short and plain.'' The friends laugh and without

hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second
floor reads, ''All the men here are short and
handsome.'' Still, this
isn't good enough, so the friends continue on
up.

They
reach the third floor and the sign reads, ''All the men here are
tall
and plain.'' They still want to do better, and so, knowing there
nare still two floors left, they continue on up.

On the fourth
floor, the sign is perfect. ''All the men here are tall
and
handsome.'' The women get all excited and are about to go in when
they
realize that there is still one floor left.

Wondering what they
would be missing, they head on up to the fifth
floor.

On the
fifth floor they find a sign that reads, ''There are no men
here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a

woman.''

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled
across an old
lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.


The genie said ''You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.
This is
the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick
of these
wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one
wish!''

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said,
''I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get
very seasick.

''Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can
drive over there to
visit?''

The genie laughed and said,
''That's impossible! Think of the
logistics of that! How would the
supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much
concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to
think of another wish.''


The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he
said, ''I've been married and divorced four times. My w
ives always said
that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So,
I wish that I could
understand women. I want to know how they feel
inside and what they're
thinking when they give me the silent
treatment. I want to figure out
why they're crying, know what they
really want when they say
'nothing', and know how to make them truly
happy.''

The genie paused for a while and said, ''How many lanes
do you want on
that bridge?''

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes
through a
severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad
to worse
when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in
particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front
of the
plane. ''I'm too young to die!'' she wails. Then she yells,
''Well, if
I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable!
No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had

it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??''


For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own
peril,
and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the
front of the
plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
''I can make you
feel like a woman,'' he says. This tall, tanned and
built guy with jet
black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt
one button at a time.

No one move
s. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited.
He
removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches
her,
and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and

whispers: ''Iron this.''

Why haven't Women landed on the Moon?

-
Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

A man inserted an advertisement in the

classifieds section with the heading ''Wife Wanted.''

- The next day
he received a hundred letters saying ''You can have
mine.''

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!


- I don't like to interrupt her.