School 

Should you have any questions during the exam,just raise your hand. This should cause enoughblood to flow to your brain to answer it yourself.

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:''The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.''He continued, ''Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?'' At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:''How much for a season pass?''

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).''And how do you find the English students, Donald?'' she asked. ''Mother,'' he replied, ''they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.''''Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?''''Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.''

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation saidshe was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. ''Madam, I havewaited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,'' he smiledwith delight. ''Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass througha red light' five hundred times.''

A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hopedto attend the following autumn. As he was walking across the Quad, he stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked: ''Sir, can you pleasetell me where your library is at?''The man looked down his nose and replied: ''Son, I'm head of the English department, and I can assure you we don't end our sentences with prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply.''''Can you tell me where your library is at, ass-hole?''Sent by Randy

New University Promos It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The the average tuition (per year) for each institution is outta site and they just aren't getting enough applicants. I understand that in a rash, unprecedented move, some colleges are taking out advertising in the middle of 'Sesame Street' episodes, to differentiate themselves from their competitors. BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!! COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!! HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!!! PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!! PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot ? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!! CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL -- The Big Red Tape!!! DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!! M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math math math math and more math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE !!! BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven't figured out how to invent the wheel (but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don't know your ass from your elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination enough to produce 24 variants of 'da weed' with a garden weasel and a piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO BC!!! SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot because yours isn't selling well? Are athletics the only thing that matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!!

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents. The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered her name and little johnny waved frantically. The teacher taken by his enthusiasm called on him. In a timid voice he said ''Miss Crunt?''

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, ''My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework.''

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, ''Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions.''Mary gasped and said in a huff, ''Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going tohear of it when I get home!''She sat down, red-faced.''Susan, can you tell me the answer?'' asked Mr. Baldwin.''The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions,'' said Susan.''Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!''

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis. The professor commented, ''Oh, no, I wanted it the other way.'' She replied, ''What other way?''

What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion? At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.He says, ''A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse.''One student stands up and says, ''Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit.''

Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teachersingled him out.''If I gave you $20,'' the teacher began,'' and you gave $5 to Mary,$5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?''''An orgy,'' Johnny answered.

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. Apre-med student rudely interrupted to ask ''Why do we have to learn thisstuff?''''To save lives.'' the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. ''So how does physicssave lives?'' he persisted.''It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school,'' replied the professor.