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Heaven and hell jokes 

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One day while walking down the street

a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and
she
died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the
Pearly
Gates by St. Peter himself. ''Welcome to Heaven,'' said
St.Peter. ''Before
you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem.
You see,
strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it
this far and
we're not really sure what to do with you.''


''No problem, just let me in.'' said the woman.

''Well, I'd like
to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do
is let you
have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can
choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.''

''Actually, I think
I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in
Heaven'', said the woman.


''Sorry, we have rules...'' And with that St. Peter put the
executive
in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The d
oors opened and
she found herself stepping out onto the putting
green of a beautiful
golf course. In the distance was a country club
and standing in front of
her were all her friends - fellow
executives that she had worked with
and they were all dressed in evening
gowns and cheering for her. They
ran up and kissed her on both cheeks
and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of
golf and at night went to the country
club where she enjoyed an
excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually
a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling
jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that
before she
knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
waved
good- bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up
and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting
for her. ''Now it's time to spend a day in
heaven,'' he said.


So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
playing
the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew
it her 24
hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.


''So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.

Now you must choose your eternity,'' he said.

The woman paused for
a second and then replied, ''Well, I never thought
I'd say this, I
mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I
think I had a
better time in Hell.''

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator
and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the
elevator opened she found
herself standing in a desolate wasteland
covered in garbage and Filth. She
saw her friends were dressed in
rags and were picking up the garbage
and putting it in sacks. The
Devil came up to her and put his arm around
her. ''I don't
understand,'' stammered the woman, ''yesterday I was
here and there was
a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster
and we danced
and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of
garbage and
all my friends look miserable.''

The Devil looked at her and
smiled. ''Yesterday we were recruiting you;
today you're staff.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

President Clinton died and knocked at
the
Pearly Gates. ''Who goes there?'' inquired St. Peter.


''It's me, Bill Clinton''.

''What bad things did you do on earth?''


Clinton thought a bit and answered, ''Well, I smoked marijuana,
but you
shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale.
And I lied,
but I didn't commit perjury.''

After several
moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, ''OK, here's
the deal.
We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't
call it
'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time,
but we
won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon

entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze

over.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael
and Tim, passed over at
the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly
Gates, they were met by ST.
Patrick himself, and he addressed the
boys thusly: ''Lads, I'm here to
welcome you to heaven where you
will spend eternity. Just remember one
thing, when you go through
these gates, don't step on any of the ducks
or you'll be punished for
eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed
to see that the entire
ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he
might, sure enough
he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one
of the homliest
colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said,''Well
love, you
stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time.''And
of course
the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion
was even
the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified.
And
he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the cou
rt
without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken
by a young
lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful,
graceful, blue-eyed
woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped,
''I don't understand
it!'' The young beauty answered, ''Well I'm
sure I don't either, I
was walking along minding my own business,
when all of a sudden I stepped
on a duck.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

0101.sk

Two Irish friends
greeted each
other while waiting their turn at the bank window. ''This
reminds me of
Finnegan,'' remarked one.

''What about Finnegan?'' inquired the
other.

'''Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St.
Peter, he
said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long
time.' 'Well,
Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million
years as a minute
and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said
Finnegan, 'I'm needing
cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St.
Peter, 'just wait a
minute.'''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A priest and a taxi driver both died
and went to heaven. St. Peter
was at the Pearly gates waiting for
them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.


The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a
mansion.
It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an
olympic
size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.


Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk
bed
and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you
are a little mixed up', said the priest.
'Shouldn't I be the one
who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went
to church every
day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But
during your sermons people slept. When the
taxi driver drove, everyone
prayed.'

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate
when a man walks
up.

''Welcome to heaven my son. What did you
do with your life?''

''I was a policeman,'' he
responded.

''What kind of policeman?'' St Peter asked.

''I was a vice officer. I
kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of

kids.''

''Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.''

A few
moments later a second man walks up.

''Welcome to heaven my son.
What did you do with your life?''

''I was a policeman,'' he
responded.

''What kind of policeman?'' St Peter asked.

''I was a
traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for

travelers.''

''Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.''

A few
moments later a third man walks up.

''Welcome to heaven my son. What
did you do with your life?''

''I was a policeman,'' he
responded.

''What kind of policeman?'' St Peter asked.

''I was a
Military Policeman, Sir.''

''Excellent my son, I have to leave
for a bit, watch the gate will
you?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

This 85 year old couple, having been
married almost 60
years, had died in a car crash. They had been in
good health the last ten
years mainly due to her interest in health
food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St.
Peter took them to their
mansion which was decked out with a beautiful
kitchen and master bath suite
and Jacuzzi. As they ''oohed and
aahed'' the old man asked Peter how
much all this was going to cost.


''It's free,'' Peter replied, ''this is Heaven.''

Next they
went out back to survey the championship golf course that the
home
backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each

week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf

courses on earth.

The old man asked, ''what are the green fees?''.


Peter's reply, ''This is heaven, you play for free.''

Next
they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
r
the cuisine's of the world laid out.

''How much to eat?''
asked the old man.

''Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it
is free!'' Peter
replied with some exasperation.

''Well,
where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?'' the old man
asked
timidly.

Peter lectured, ''That's the best part...you can eat as
much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you
never get sick.
This is Heaven.''

With that the old man went
into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, and
shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried
to calm him down,
asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and
said, ''This is all your fault. If
it weren't for your blasted bran
muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

So this trumpet player dies. When he
reaches is
everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, ''You're
going to spend eternity
with this combo, okay? There's a bass player
named 'Mingus' and a
pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we
expect this 'Blakey' guy to
show up with his drums.

''Wow!''
the guy says, ''I never imagined heaven would be this good.''

The
man in the robe says, ''This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl

singer.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Three men die and go to heaven and

queue to meet St. Peter.

St. Peter: Hi, what's your
name?

Paul: My name is Paul.

St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you
died, how much were you earning?

Paul: 120K.

St. Peter:
Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of

money?

Paul: I was a lawyer.

St. Peter: That's great. Come on
in. St. Peter then turned to the
second man. Hi, what's your
name?

Roger: My name is Roger.

St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me,
when you died, how much were you
earning?

Roger:
60K.

St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a

living?

Roger: I was an accountant.

St. Peter: That's
very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the
second man. Hi,
what's your name?

John: My name is John.

St. Peter: Hi,
John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you
died
?

John: About $23,000.

St. Peter: Hey, that's
fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did
you play?

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

In Heaven:
The cooks are
French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers
are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
The cooks are
English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are
French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

An accountant dies and
goes to
Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual

questionnaire.

''What sort of accountant are you?'' says St
Peter

''Public Practitioner,'' is the reply.

''Name?''

He gives his
name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.

''Oh, yes.
We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted
span,''
says St Peter.

''How can that be?'' says the accountant. ''I'm too
young to go. I'm
only forty-eight''

''No, that's impossible.
''

''Why do you say that?''

''Well we've been looking at your
time sheets and the hours you've
charged your clients. By our
reckoning you're at least ninety
three.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Three college football coaches were

flying across the country when their airplane crashed and all three
died.
They all noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God
motioned
for one of them to come into the clouds.

God
wanted to know three things: ''Who are you? What did you do? What
did
people think of you?''

The first coach said, ''I'm Joe Paterno. I
coached Penn State from
1966 to 2000. I won 300 games, 19 bowl
victories, 2 national
championships, and won Coach of the Year 4 times.
The people of Pennsylvania think
I'm great.''

God said,
''Fine, Joe, stand at my right side.''

The next person said, ''I'm
Bobby Bowden. I coached Florida State
University from 1980 to 2000.
I had a .816 win percentage, played in 14
bowl games without a loss
and won a national championship after beating
Nebraska. The people
of Florida think I'm great.''

God said, ''Fine, Bobby, stan
d at my left side.''

The third coach stood before God and said,
''I'm Bob Stoops. I took
over a storied Oklahoma program that had
won 6 national championships and
held many NCAA records but had
fallen to the lowest of the low. In the
3 years prior to me taking over
the Sooners they went 3-8 (worst season
in 102 years of football),
4-8, and 5-6, beating Texas only once and
not beating Colorado or
Nebraska, not to mention losing to OSU. I coached
the Sooners for a
season and a half, going 7-5 in my first year beating
a top-15
Texas A&M with my unranked team and taking the Sooners to a
bowl game.
7 games into my second season we were undefeated and I took
the
Sooners to #1 in the AP poll, Coaches poll, and BCS poll. We beat #10

Texas 63-14, #2 Kansas State in Manhattan 41-31, and #1 Nebraska 31-14.

Our quarterback was the frontrunner for the Heisman trophy, we were
in
the driver's seat for the national championship, and th
e people of
Oklahoma think you are sitting in my chair.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A cat and a mouse died on the same

day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them

'How do you like it so far?'

The mouse replied 'It's
great, but can I get a pair of roller
skates?' God said 'Sure', and
he gave him a pair of roller skates.

The next day God saw the
cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here
so far?' and the cat
replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on
wheels up
here!'

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A religious man is on top of a roof

during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says ''get in, get

in!'' The religous man replies, '' no I have faith in God, he will
grant
me a miracle.''

Later the water is up to his waist and
another boat comes by and the
guy tells him to get in again. He
responds that he has faith in god and
god will give him a miracle. With
the water at about chest high, another
boat comes to rescue him,
but he turns down the offer again cause ''God
will grant him a
miracle.''

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a
ladder and they
tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his
mouth, he again
turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He
arrives at the
gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter,
I thought God would
grand me a miracle and I have been let down.''
St. Peter chuckles and
responds, ''I don't know what you're c
omplaining about, we sent you
three boats and a helicopter.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Jay:
Does the Bible say that if
you smoke you can't get to
heaven?
Ted: No, but the more you smoke
the quicker you'll get there.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A cattleman from West
Texas died &
went on to the Great
Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he
noticed that the
terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to
the gate
keeper, ''Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like
Texas.''

''The gatekeeper replied, ''First of all, I'm not Saint Peter
and
second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you
?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to
heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A doctor, an engineer, and a

fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.
The doctor said how he'd
healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was
a sinner and was sent
to Hell.

The engineer told how he'd built homes for the
homeless, etc.; but he
messed up the environment, so he was sent to
Hell.

The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as
he
mentioned his occupation, God said ''You've already been thru
Hell,
Welcome to Heaven.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Morty the producer dies and goes to

purgatory. The agent behind the counter says ''So Morty, what's it
gonna
be Heaven or Hell?'' Morty asks, ''What's the difference?'' Sid
says
''Take a look at the monitor over here.''

Morty goes to
the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are
quietly
floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns
to Sid
and says ''Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's
Hell
like?''

Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does
and sees scenes
of young people having sex and dancing and smoking
and drinking and
laughing and singing and generally having a great
time.

''This is great!'' says Morty. ''I think I'll try Hell.'' Sid
directs
him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down
arrow. Morty
does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell.


When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty look
s around
from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees.
Everywhere are
people burning in agony, screaming in pain, drowning
and suffering.
There are laughing demons with pitchforks piercing
their skin. Its
horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the up button
and goes right back to
Sid.''

''What is this!? Hell is nothing
like you showed me on the monitor! It
was awful down there!''


Sid says, ''You mean that monitor?''

''Yes,'' says Morty.


''Oh, well, that was just the pilot.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A Director arrives below and is met by
Satan
who shows him around. Turns out that Hell is a gigantic movie
studio
with the latest and best equipment, stages, great actors,
etc. Director
thinks its great and asks Satan what heaven is like if
hell is this
good. Satan says heaven is exactly like this, a movie
studio. The Director
is confused. ''Then what's the difference,'' he
asks.

Satan smiles. ''Well, in heaven they actually *make*
movies.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

0101.sk

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